December 19, 2013
Lizzie McGuire was every betch’s fave prime time (aka 5 PM) TV show. Besides giving our grade school selves an excuse not to talk to our parents after school, Lizzie and her junior high friends and frenemies gave us some amaze role models to aspire to.
Lizzie wasn’t the coolest betch in school (Disney had to keep its mostly nicegirl audience interested, ugh), but she taught betches many valuable lessons. For one, Lizzie kept her #89 back burner bro interested for longer than it takes Karen to figure out how to spell orange. Omgg do you think anyone will ever love me as much as Gordo loves Lizzie?? He’s taking care of her after her breakup, I CAN’T.
Lizzie McGuire also taught betches in training everything we knew about fashion. The bra-buying episode was a seminal moment in all betches’ lives, sending the supes important message that all you need to be popular are boobs, fucking duh. We can all remember a time when Lizzie and Miranda’s fugly crimped, pigtailed, and streaked hair held together with sparkly barettes was the coolest shit we’d ever seen. Mommm, I need a bedazzled do-rag to match my hot pink graphic tee, Lizzie just wore one!!
But the most important fashion life lesson this show taught us was to never fucking repeat an outfit or bitches will call us out on it at your graduation in front of the entire school. Lizzie McGuire, you are an outfit repeater!! That shit haunted my fucking dreams.
From somehow managing to make out with Aaron Carter and dance in his music video when he was still relevant to casually becoming an Italian pop star without doing any #36 work, Lizzie got whatever the fuck she wanted. Her Italian bf Paulo was the ultimate shady ass bro. I mean, he barely even spoke English and finding out he couldn’t actually sing was the craziest thing to happen to betches since the Backstreet Boys broke up.
Lizzie was fun, but we all knew the true betch of the show was Kate Sanders. From the minute we heard about how she ditched Lizzie and Miranda as soon as she got boobs and learned how to dress like a slut, we knew she was betchy as fuck. Kate was basically an elementary school Regina George, so she obvs had some of the show’s best lines (What’s your email, [email protected]?). Kate also knew that the key to being betchy was never eating, especially not carbs (unless an Italian boy bought them for her). Without Kate and her cheerleaders, betches in training would have had no one to look up to. If you and your besties didn’t chant loser, loser, double loser, as if, whatever, get the picture, DUH on the playground during recess, I can promise you, they were the double losers.
Betches will always remember Lizzie McGuire. Because it was an amazing show, but also because it’s hard to forget when This is What Dreams Are Made Of still comes on when you put your iphone on shuffle. Don’t pretend you’ve forgotten Lizzie ripping that huge shiny silver skirt off to reveal BELL BOTTOMS AND A CROP TOP, because I know you haven’t.