February 28, 2013
Before she became a humanitarian adopting third world babies and before she divorced the trashiest man in America for cheating with a graffiti covered whore, we knew and loved Sandy Bullock as the badass FBI Agent in Miss Congeniality. Even though we had no fucking clue what “congeniality” meant, we were huge fans of Gracie Lou Freebush. And we’re obvi down for any movie with a makeover thanks to Clueless.
Even though this movie appears to be about some terrorist group, presumably comprised of scorned pageant candidates, the real housewives and Tim Gunn, it’s so much more than that. Sandy goes undercover as a pageant contestant to find out what the fuck is up and annoy the shit out of nicegirls. Sign us up. We get a first look at the original Toddlers in Tiaras only with more booze, bitches and blacking out. And Benjamin Bratt.
Here’s a few lessons we learned from Gracie Lou-FrizzBush:
SING: Clearly beating the shit out of a guy is the way to his heart because after Gracie throws her boss Eric down on the mat a few times and then publicly emasculates him, he wants on. Not only does she kick his ass, she Jedi-mind fucks him: You think I’m gorgeous, you wanna date me, love me and marry me. So forget the self defense lessons you learned from your obese, sweaty gym teacher with the chin hair and remember to hit where Gracie says it hurts: Solar Plexus, Instep, Nose, Groin!
You don’t mess with Texas, Hawaii and definitely not NY: These bitches were ruthless. Big Red with her Texas twang and moldy face was a dust bowl sized bitch. Hawaii perfected the frosty-no-words-required-so-shut-the-fuck-up stare down and like, didn’t give Gracie the goddamn time of day. Granted that aloha joke was kinda lame so we’ll give you that one Hawaii. “In Hawaii, doesn’t aloha mean hello and goodbye?” “Fucking duh, and?” Obviously they choose the tough, crazy lesbo to represent NY because it's liberal and scary and shit. We knew not to mess with NY as soon as she was all: “Yeah I’m talkin’ to you, I’m lookin’ at you.”
Baton twirlers make the best friends: Her name is Cheryl, she makes you nasty hot chocolate, she has fiery batons and she’s such a lightweight she makes you look good when blacking out. Never mind the fact that she steals Satan’s panties or has a first lady haircut, Cheryl is loyal as shit and it doesn’t take much to make her happy. My idea of the perfect date is April 25 because it’s not too hot, not too cold, all you need is a light jacket! And a fucking clue. But whatever Cheryl deserves the crown. Before it blows up.
It is possible to hide donuts and shit in a ball gown: Gracie Lou is packing handguns and some hostess snacks for later. If it were up to us we probably would shove in some flasks and shot glasses but Gracie gave us a whole new idea for stuffing our training bras.
Wearing a milkmaid outfit does not automatically make you a whore: In fact, it passes for talent. You are not having sex on this stage as a talent! I didn’t know that was even an option, but now that you mention it. As long as you stand over water glasses making music, you will not be mistaken for role-playing a weird Dutch farm girl fantasy.
We also were clued in to the magic of a gay, British life coach, the rude awakening that is a bikini wax and that wearing a crown is basically a death sentence (Anne Boleyn, and like every monarch ever). But if we truly learned anything from the foreverfucking amazing rom-com that is Miss Congeniality, it is that we really do want world peace.