January 30, 2014
The other day we read an article that claimed Facebook will be dunzo by 2017 which if true, is totally okay with us because we’re personally in the need of a FB friend cleanse ASAP. Weird kid from my freshman hall can you please stop FB messaging me how’s life? It’s fucking amazing now that I don’t have smell the Indian food you’d order in every Friday night. But really, the Facebook’s dissolution won’t have any real implication on your life because it’ll already have been replaced with something more efficient, (which we’re assuming is going to be Facebook’s adopted #155 instagram) because Facebook was once that for something else, Myspace.
When Myspace came out it was a time when large social networks were new territory and just becoming intriguing. And more importantly, it was a time when it was cool to seem like you were going to slit your wrists or like, wear converse. Enter Mypspace, a place where you can let out said teen angst via an emo profile picture, background, song, and screen name.
Some people kept their profiles simple, white with Myspace-Tom-blue, while others figured out how to HTML code their pages quicker than our parents learned out to turn on a fucking computer. These were young kids, teaching themselves code, which people are paying a lot of money to learn because it’s one of the most desirable skills to have right now, so that they can set their Myspace profile background to perfectly match the pinkish hue of their cheek bones. That’s artful dedication.
Obviously, the choice of color of your background, font, and song was super important to signify your denomination of subculture. Having any sort of blue or white with a yellow or orange font meant you were probably scoring your page with like an OC soundtrack or any sort of California Power-Pop band. Your song was probably Sh Sh Shakin by Rooney for at least one week and when you were depressed you uploaded Imogen Heap’s Hide and Seek on auto play and repeat to really drive your sadness home.
If you did black and red, you were like an actual punk so you were just like, a loser because you were basically Avril Lavigne.
Shades of black/grey and pink and purple meant that you understood that emo was a trend, Dashboard Confessional had a hot lead singer and you were dark but also a little sensitive. You judged anyone who didn’t like Taking Back Sunday and posted the lineup of the upcoming Warped Tour on your friend’s walls. And when you felt like making people know you were cool because you like, “know things", you would put Bittersweet Symphony as your song of the day.
Then there was your status on Myspace. Did you friend cool international people? Dd they friend you back? How many comments from MySpace pre-hipster celebrities did you have on your pictures and page? Did your pictures have an air of like I'm a little punky but I also read US weekly? Did your outfits look like you were Mary Kate at a rock show or Ashley at a pop concert? If the answer to these questions is a no, then like, who were you really?
Choosing your top friends was basically the earliest form of showing how cool you were before you could photo-brag about your hot friend group. If you had more than 8 besties it was really fun to see what each one would do for you to fight for the spot in your top 8. But if you had less than 8 besties it was sort of awk to fill the rest of top tier. The best option was to keep it funny, maybe put your friends mom up there, perhaps a really hot singer, maybe even keep Myspace Tom in the mix.
For some people Myspace was just like a huge joke where you can add pictures of yourself, hope that a hot guy will comment, and write stupid shit on your friends walls, but for others it was about flirting with lead singers of bands that you downloaded on Kazaa. Like if you could get like an unknown but a hot lead singer with a lot of myspace friends to comment on something, it was the equivalent of getting an emo Birkin.
And lastly, profile names. What you made your profile/screen name completely depended on how you wanted to be perceived. Like if you really lovedddd Kelly Clarkson you may have called yourself BecUz0fyu, or if you were a huge OC fan or something, you would have done SethCohensWife6969. But mostly they all sounded like screen names that people used on To Catch a Predator.
However you did Myspace it didn’t matter in the end because, much like everything else in our tech world today, it all became obsolete several years later. But if you never used Myspace, well, you were wasted a little less time and felt a little bit less violated from the intense stare down you got every time you looked at Myspace Tom’s profile picture.