October 17, 2013
If you were a betch in your early years there's no doubt your bestie group had a name. Everyone knows importance of branding when it came to your betchhood extended to everything from your Prada backpack to the deragatory yet quippy designation of your 4-6 friends.
Betches have been naming their groups since elementary school. Since your mom did not approve of your ironic name "The Whores" some of us had to come up with really sensible acronyms using all 15 of our besties initials like JATNALASAMD. Others went with a more complex Pink Ladies-inspired approach, like the Jean Jacket Hoes (extra creativity points because your friend group initials also spelled out HOES). Names like these usually lasted into middle school, but of course there was a group merger here or there. And though it was always painful to change your AIM profile bestie shout out from <3Fab Five<3 to *~~Slutty Sixteen~~* at least now you officially had three times as many besties!
Haters might say that naming your group of friends might seem exclusive and immature, but in reality this practice has been around forever. I mean, think about Native American tribes, the earliest example of bestie group naming. I would bet anything that they came up with the name Cherokee because it was spelled out the by first initial of all the main tribal leaders names. If not, then why the extra E? Obviously because a new dude came in and conquered some shit and had to be admitted asap, but his name was Eagle or something, so they were like, "add name on end." And there you have it.
Fast forward to high school, where if you were not a total weirdo or wandering floater you had an entourage. And like Kim Kardashian's progeny or some douche from an 80s movie with a red car, you had to give that creation a name. But in high school the technique of group naming totally evolved. The key was to be subtle but powerful, like the Plastics. Something that conveyed your unique essence as a group while showing your creativity. Something that screamed 'you can't sit with us' but also 'we're really funny and have this hysterical inside joke that you don't get'. Also it sucked when and 'The Shyt 11' woudln't get approved by yearbook copyright when you eventuallly got your own senior year bestie advertisement.
Then came sororities, where betches could be free to belong to a national group of besties for life but because there were too many members we had to take the route of the Greek alphabet. Since no one can really understand that shit anyway and 2-3 letters fit perfectly on a sweatshirt, it seemed like the best option. Betches clearly knew what they were doing.
From group buddy lists in elementary school, to group pictures at batmizvahs, to group blocks of hotel rooms in Acapulco, to #51 group dinners after college, you were always part of an exclusive "club" that you helped name. And even though you can't put "Co-founder of the Sexy Seven" on your resume, you'll forever remember it because you have that picture of the 7th grade version of the Sexy Seven doing the Charlie's Angels pose in a cardboard frame that reads 2 Hot 2 Handle in flames above your dresser.