August 15, 2013
It's well established that betches have been #42 dressing like sluts since Adam and Eve went commando in the garden of eden. Unfortunately some nicegirls probably decided they were too embarrassed to be seen naked in public so somewhere along the lines clothes were invented, and ever since it's been a struggle for the hot people who want everyone to see as much of their Kate Moss inspired body as humanly possible. Luckily the clothes of our betchhood taught us exactly how acceptable it is to show up to middle school looking like a baby prostitute.
There's nothing like a giant tie-dye band around your hips to show everyone you're both prepubescent and DTF.
You knew you were hot in ninth grade when one of the staff members at Abercrombie asked if you wanted a job. Their CEO wasn't kidding when he said fat girls couldn't wear his clothes. Someone didn't want to be accused of being a nice girl... Then of course we had Hollister which was Abercrombie's cheap, louder cousin where you were free to shop to the soothing images of Venice beach waves and love songs by Angels and Airwaves.
This thong could be seen sticking out of the Juicy sweatpants of middle school girls everywhere. Which brings us to...
This brand which I would not be caught dead in today was practically permanently tattooed to my body a decade ago.
I once argued with my gym teacher over whether or not these counted as sneakers. The only thing worse than breaking your ankle while running the mile in these would be actually having to participate in gym class.
First these were cool, engraved, obviously:
And then on your 16th birthday you were like, Mom WTF, Tiffany again? I'm way too old for this shit. Your mom clearly agreed and bought you a BMW 3 series.
One size certainly did not fit all.
If you didn't ask for a t-shirt that came in plastic encasing or understand the French sizing system you were probably poor.
We clearly only bought these fugly pieces of shit to show everyone how good our asses looked when we rolled the band over three times. And since they cost like a dollar each there was no excuse to not own every color. Anything but those mesh Bulldog monstrosities.