January 15, 2015
In high school, the movie Superbad was a classic choice to “watch” while you hooked up with your boyfriend. That being said, the plot was soo unrealistic. Why would anyone underage have to get a fake ID to buy booze? Did McLovin’s parents, like, not drink or something?
For betches, getting our hands on alcohol back in the day was always a complete non-issue. We had a one-stop-shop conveniently located right in our kitchens. And best, it was free! Stealing alcohol from your parents was a valuable part of any betchood, and yet another reason to love our dads.
In every high school bestie group, there was the main supplier betch whose parents didn't consider their vodka evaporating every weekend concerning. To this day these betches have no idea what the fuck they were thinking.
“Mia? Did you drink our entire bottle of Belvedere at your sleepover last night?”
“Uhm…no. It was definitely Dad. To be honest Mom I think he’s becoming an alcoholic.”
”Oh, okay sweetie. Thanks for letting me know.”
The rest of the bestie group was usually made up of girls who could steal their parents’ alcohol, but only sometimes. An occasional supplier betch often had an incident that she was still getting heat for (i.e. the time she refilled all her parents’ vodka bottles with water and then allowed them to unknowingly serve virgin mixed drinks to their party guests all night). After these betches were really sorry and promised to never do it again, they had to exercise extra precautions, like only steal two shots out of every bottle (“mixing rum and scotch and vodka and gin honestly tastes fine as long as you’re already wasted!”) and only take it on weeknights when their parents were at their tennis matches.
Unfortunately, the bestie group always had to deal with the buzz kill of having a friend with selfish parents who locked their liquor cabinet. This always sucked until the betch found the key in her dad’s sock drawer. Three handles are missing?! Omg, obvi it was the cleaning lady Rosa.
So betches, no childhood could be complete without taking Patron shots out of an Aquafina bottle while your classmates who thought stealing was wrong remained sober. But maybe once you get a real job you should offer a peace offering to your parents and like, buy them a handle or sixty.