July 23, 2015
Long before our blackout behavior began and resting bitch face developed, Tamagotchis were how we knew we didn’t give a shit about anything but ourselves.
Taking care of those digital pets was a mere competition between 3rd grade besties to see who had the most ones in the coolest colors. If you didn’t have a Tamagotchi, chances are, you sat alone and ate the shitty PB&J your mom made. Everyone knows the cool elementary schoolers ordered lunch through the PTA.
Invented by a token Asian betch (obvy), the Tamagotchi life cycle would begin when you first turned the egg-shaped device on. From there, you would have to feed the thing, play with it, and our personal favorite: discipline it. No better way to get out your anger at your mom from not taking you to Limited Too to buy a new training bra than disciplining the shit out of your Tamagotchi.
If you didn’t take good care of your pet (probably named Britney, after your childhood idol—before she starting coming at paparazzi with umbrellas) it would die, and given our busy pre-teen social schedules, this would happen often. Who had the time to clean up a digital pet’s shit when you had boys to impress outside of Dunkin’ Donuts? They wouldn’t be able to see your new jean skirt and fresh highlights from sitting on your bed.
This sad moment of our childhood mirrors how we feel about actual pets now. Yeah, golden doodles are cute, but that kind of responsibility is just too much to handle for someone who spends more time at the bar than at home.
The peak of Tamagotchi was when the creators finally came around with the idea of “linking” the digital pets. You could play games, exchange gifts, form friendships, or even marry another Tamagotchi. This is basically how our relationships go with SABs now, but most of them don’t get past the play games stage. A few special ones get to the gift exchange stage, but those quickly get moved to the back burner bro category. Sigh. You bought me David Yurman? You’re no longer shady, and I’m probably no longer as interested as before.
If your Tamagotchi pet was hot enough (meaning the case was sparkly hot pink), it would get married and have a baby Tamagotchi with your 5th grade crush’s pet: the definition of elementary school love.
If you find yourself drunk, alone at home, and nostalgic this weekend, resist the urge to drunk eat and do some online shopping for a Tamagotchi. They’re available on Amazon for around $30 and like Kris Jenner’s face, the graphics have gotten a major lift. We can’t think of a better thing to spend your money on than on a toy that sums up your childhood. Except maybe another bottle of wine, but you need some diversity in your life.