Throwback Thursday: THE SIMS

By The Betches

If you were born before 1995, MAJOR technological advancements took place during your childhood. We’re talking going from Zack Morris brick cell phones to Nokias with Snake, palm pilots and cybikos, AIM, cassette players to CD players to mp3 players to iPods — literally we saw it all.

While I know I’m about to sound like the angry grandma who sits outside coughing up a lung on her fold up chair but kids these days barely appreciate their technology (sure I’m currently on my 4th cracked iPhone screen, but at least I appreciate what the phone can do). They’re living the good life, chilling on their all day playing Candy Crush or TBTing pics of themselves in bikinis, yet little did they know their older siblings had it rough in the old times. We had to go on a desktop computer to play games. That’s right, a fucking desktop PC. And what did we do on that PC when we weren’t triple checking everyone’s away messages, making emo profile quotes, and signing up our friends to We played the Sims.

The Sims was cool because it took up a lot of your time which you would otherwise spend being forced to read or something boring like that. The way you approached the Sims actually said a lot about who you were as a person. I mean, if you played it like, with integrity and without the money cheat codes, or you lived out your Sims' lives patiently to build a happy family, you were probs a huge loser and had very few friends due to your impossibly high moral standards. The betchiest way to play the Sims was as follows:

1. Make a really hot girl and guy as roommates

Your goal was to make these two fall in love, duh, so you made the couple to be really hot. They were tan, wore the best clothes that they offered (which in the beginning was extremely shitty….what WERE those medieval dresses!?...but each expansion pack included better options) and obviously were the skinniest options of body sizes.

2. Pick a plot, pause, enter cheat code for money

There was no point in playing the Sims if you were going to make your people live in a fugly little house so you obviously knew the cheat code: Rosebud !;!;!;!; … after repeating that a few times you were a billionaire.

Side Note: As I write this I realize that Rosebud was a reference to Citizen Kane (ever heard of it?) and that the Sims was definitely inspired by that movie. The game is exactly like the movie: Kane is extremely obsessed with building a huge house/empire for himself only to get bored and die miserable and alone once he had it. Sorry if I just ruined it for you, it’s not exactly a thriller.

3. Build the most beautiful house ever

This took a few days. But it was worth it. During this phase of the operation you were like a boss, you laid those walls down flawlessly, picked the perfect tile, always chose the most expensive flat screen TV for like every room. And no house was complete without a HFP: huge fucking pool.

After sitting in front of their computers for three days straight building and designing the perfect house, many people never went into live mode. They couldn't help it if they got really bored, started getting migraines, or in some cases their vision began to become permanently blurry....and needed glasses after.

4. Start playing (not for that long)

Like you, it was important that your Sims never had to clean or work a day in their life so you immediately had them call the cleaning lady and all such service people. Then, you got started on the relationship which meant making them speak Sims language aka Gibberish aka Swedish. If you’ve ever heard Swedish (which everyone in African can read), it sounds Simmsish and vice versa. So after their little plus signs moved and time fast forwarded they were finally in love and the option of “Kiss” popped up. You were very pleased with yourself, naturally. After several make out sessions it was time for the bed. But as you know, watching the Sims have sex or woohoo was much like having sex (in real life) with any popular guy: EXTREMELY disappointing.

After you completed your goal, your attention started to wane. You threw a few parties for people in the neighborhood, made a few Sims hate each other, slapped a few bitches, and then saved and shut down. Until next month, Pleasantview.

Disclaimer: This post is based on like, the first few versions and we don’t know what the updated Sims is like because we haven’t played since 2003 and we think that’s TOTALLY OKAY OF US.




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