November 8, 2012
Between the #28 drunken betch brawl, #185 giving dirty looks, and hating everyone who TTH, wears hipster glasses, or is nice, betches have a history of rivalries and feuds. For today's Throwback Thurs we thought we'd remind you of history's most epic insults, passive aggressive tweets and well-deserved betch slaps.
10. Linzlo vs. Mandy Bynes: This isn't exactly throwback considering it was like a week ago but it’s amazing how riled up these two have gotten considering neither can walk a straight line. Obviously Linzlo got pissed when Mandy started drunk driving her way towards dethroning her as America’s most fucked up child star trainwreck. Meanwhile Mandy was all “don’t even compare me to that ginger, I’m ten times the trainwreck she’ll ever be” before tossing her roach and speeding down the freeway on the wrong side. What do I do Murray!? Time will only tell who will come out on top but we’re assuming the two inevitable outcomes to this feud is an overdose of either/both paries or one hits the other with her car.
9. Donald Trump vs. Rosie O'Donnell: Talk about a lose-lose battle. On the one hand you have a bloated lesbian with a voice that could make you jump off the Trump Tower, and on the other hand you have Rosie O’Donnell. We can't decide which party repulses us more, but at least Rosie owns who she is, as in she admits to being a fat lesbian. The Donald calls himself a financier but has filed for bankruptcy four times but has yet to fire himself. We don't remember the cause of this feud, nor do we care to find out as it would require googling either person and viewing the consequential images of their neck fat. No collar boning for these fuglies.
8. Jon Hamm vs. Kim Kardassian: The story here is simple. Don Draper was doing an interview that would presumably be read by smart people. When asked about celebrity culture he responded that he doesn’t want any part of it and nonchalantly added that Kim Kardashian is “a fucking idiot.” Clearly true, specifically the 'fucking' part. Anyway, Kim unsurprisingly got pissed and when he was pressed to apologize a bit later, he stood by his remarks. Then like two days later Kim got flour-bombed and Jon was all like, fuck I wish I had that idea first. The obvious hilarity here is that Hamm could not fucking care less that he offended her because he has like, an actual career. Sorry Kimmy, but I wouldn’t count on a guest spot on Mad Men anytime soon.
7. Will.I.Am vs. Perez Hilton: We totally forgot this even happened but on the scandal scale it's pretty outrageous. At about 2:30 am after a Canadian music festival (LOL) that both parties attended, Perez tweeted that Will had attacked him. Will didn’t have a twitter at the time so he dealt with it like any mature middle school cyberbully would: creating a twitter on the spot so he could fire back. At 5am Will posted a vlog saying that Perez called him a “faggot” but he never touched him. Then the next morning Perez posted his own vlog saying Will is a fucking liar and his new shiner is courtesy of him. Moral of the story: avoid 2am fights, do 2am drugs.
6. Eminem vs. Mariah Carey: This shit started at the beginning of the millennium when Eminem was casually hooking up with Mariah and not surprisingly, the bitch got clingy. So Em did what any other betch-playing bro would do: talk shit about her delusional dating tendencies in several rap verses. In the years that followed there were too many fuck-you’s to count, all of which were either beat-boxed or sung in an octave only dogs can hear. The dramz culminated in Mariah’s “smash hit” song where she straight up asked Em why he’s so obsessed with her. To which he replied…ew.
5. Tom Cruise (and Scientology) vs. South Park (and Brooke Shields): When it comes to making fun of people, South Park never treads lightly. So when they finally targeted Tom Cruise and his church, they didn’t hold back. While countless celebs have been lampooned on the show, Tom was the only one who actually tried to prevent the ep from airing. The episode was called “Trapped in the Closet” so you can infer its content. Tom obviously made a deal with the alien king of Scientology to protect the “religion” on earth as he later had a feud with Brooke Shields, to whom he gave a new asshole after she admitted to taking anti-depressants to cope with post-partum depression—something that is apparently a no-no in scientology and Tom Cruise's biggest personal problem. Lesson: if you don't want South Park to make fun of you, don't say stupid shit.
4. Kanye West vs. The World: T-Swift, Fish Dicks, Matt Lauer, Obama, khaki pants……. Pick just about any random noun you can come up with and chances are Kanye has gone on a three-hour twitter rant about it.
3. Kim Cattrall vs. the other Sex and the City Ladies: Leave it to the old betch of the group to ruin everyone else’s fun. Back when SATC had just wrapped, the prospect of a movie became inevitable. Only one problem, Samantha Jones was not wet for the idea. She refused to partake because she was pissed that Carrie was going to make so much more money than her. We don’t know about you, but after seeing the second movie in which the women are all well into their sixties, we wish Kim had held off and stuck to coaching Michelle Trachtenberg in Ice Princess. I mean, now we all have to live with the mental image of Miranda on a camel.
2. Linzlo vs. Hilary Duff circa Aaron Carter: As any questionable lesbian can tell you, no one is more vicious than middle school girls. Add in Lizzie McGuire fame and the originator of “Aaron’s Party” and you have a full on bitch brawl. In 2002, long before Linzlo had ever snorted her first line (eh, maybe), she got nice and cozy with Aaron’s frosty tips WHILE he was still involved with Lizzie Mac herself. I’d say there’s no real winner here, just three rehab-destined losers whose souls never made it past ‘04.
1. Britney vs. Xtina: Since their days fighting over Justin Timberlake in the Mickey Mouse Club, these two have been at each other’s throats. Whenever one of them made a strategic career move, the other immediately copied it. They both got famous at the same time, they both turned slutty at the same time, they even both had downward spirals around the same time from which neither has fully recovered as much as they pretend. Today they continue to go head to head as they each serve as vocal coaches (next joke) on competing singing shows. We’re obviously on former BOTW team Brit Brit, but we do applaud Xtina for managing to stay relevant despite the fact that she actively tries to make herself look like a bridge troll.
Honorable mention: Linzlo vs. Paris Hilton - no one really remembers what happened, no one really cares. The only detail that stands out is no-name-Brandon-Davis (presumably P Hilt’s GBFF) repeatedly calling Lindz a firecrotch while Paris strolled next to him laughing and probably thinking "shit I wish I wore my Von Dutch hat for this." It must be noted that Linzlo made 3 separate appearances on this list, so we know Hollywood hates her as much as the rest of the world does.