August 9, 2012
For the majority of the first two millennia (pun intended) following his birth, Jesus was easily the biggest celeb on the planet. That was until 1997 when We’ve Got It Goin’ On hit the airwaves, and we were introduced to the overrated marginal hotness of the Backstreet Boys. The Age of the Boy Band had begun and the millions of people screaming behind us as we sat in front row of these concerts were no longer on a religious mission to end suffering. Instead their mission was simple. Listen to as much contemporary pop as humanely possible or die trying. Lou Pearlman, former impresario of BSB and 'NSync, ended up being like a massive fucking con-artist but we thank him for forever changing the face of pop music.
Every betch-in-training’s first major debate was over the question of the hottest Backstreet Boy. Most girls immediately fell in love with cookie cutter Bryan Litrell or baby faced Nick Carter, even though he was like 12 at the time. Betches who were trying to seem edgy were be all like: OMG I LOVE AJ because he is the leader and has like such hot tattoo/piercing/chin-strap combos! I am just so different from everyone. Nobody really liked Howie, we think. Howie to us seemed more like the compadre of the band rather than a member. From telling us to get gown get down and move it all around to having us chanting that Backstreet was in fact back while asking us if they were heterosexual, these pop tarts taught us that with enough white clothes and blurring effects, even 5 middle class teenagers could make millions of dollars yet still dress like they were from inland Dade County. PS. Kevin who?
The reign of BSB could only be threatened by another of Pearlman’s creations, 'NSync. I mean yeah for the first few months after hearing them on the radio we may or may not have thought that they were called Extinct, or also that Joey FatONE was the group’s bodyguard but we still fucking loved them. God must have spent a little more time on Justin, JC and Lance because those other two were seriously only there to fill in the creeper demographic. Everybody used to know the Bye Bye Bye dance, which consisted literally of waving goodbye and lightly jumping around. We didn’t quite understand the song about how it's Friday night and that they just got paid because we got allowance on Mondays, but we were totally d to sing along.
As a result, the second most important debate at this point in our young lives would become BSB or N’Sync. I mean like what other conversation could possibly be more divisive than what to play in carpool in the morning. Everyone understood that BSB was Coke, N’Sync was Pepsi and that liking 98 degrees was the equivalent of drinking RC Cola. Omg why the fuck are you listening to Una Noche on your Discman? The only way there was to settle such a heated dispute would be to fantasize about how you would form a super group of the two, consisting of booting the fuglies and keeping Justin, Bryan, Lance, Nick, and JC. Speaking of fantasies, how fucking badly did you want to be one of the girls they would call up during their live performances? It was like an old school One Less Lonely Girl except there was far less crying and emotional breakdowns because tweens these days are way bigger freaks.
So if you were a true betch-in-training circa 1999, you had to have listened to one of these amazing boy bands. No matter how many tantrums you had to pull or people you had to leave bloodied along the way you, you had to make a name for yourself as a lover of American boy bands. And if you didn't like either of these plus Britney Spears, you were a prob a goth freak obsessed with pretending to be beautiful via Christina Aguilera.
Cause you don't wanna miss a thing