August 23, 2012
Whoa whoa whoa, Miss Lippy. The part of the story I don't like is that the little boy gave up looking for Happy after an hour. He didn't put posters up or anything, he just sat on the porch like a goon and waited. That little boy's gotta think 'You got a pet. You got a responsibility.' If your dog gets lost you don't look for an hour then call it quits. You get your ass out there and you find that fucking dog.
Seeing as it is Throwback Thursday, what could possibly be more throwback than the number one most quoted movie of our generation? Yes this is a real statistic, we made it up 5 minutes ago. Like I even don't think a post is necessary because all we need to do is send you a link to IMDB's memorable quotes. But that's boring and IMDB is like, really fugly.
So why are we honoring this old ass movie? Well partially because it was on the other day and much like walking past a woman with a mustache, you just can't look away. But also because it is an Adam Sandler masterpiece, and definitely one of the funniest movies to watch high. You got a banana, you don't need no snack pack!
Even though most of the movie is about Billy at school, it's actually hilariously betchy. Billy somehow managed to do nothing but chill and debate the merits of conditioner/shampoo for 25 years, and he still inherited his dad's huge company, just because he memorized like one verse of Hamlet and a came up with a clever nickname for chlorophyll. He even got a party every time he passed a grade. Also, there are probably like zero people in this world who don't think of "back to school back to school" when they're on their way..back to school.
Teacher: Well, Billy, if you spell this correctly you pass second grade.
Billy Madison: Couch. C-O-R, uh, are you going to the mall today?
Teacher: No I'm not goin to the mall, keep spelling, mister.
Billy Madison: C-O-U-C-H!
Billy Madison: I AM THE SMARTEST MAN ALIVE!
Our favorite characters:
Juanita: Billy's fat black housekeeper. Taking the role as Billy's mother, she packs his lunches for him and makes sure he gets up to go to school in the morning. She even understands psychology and the power of positive reinforcement, If you're going to stay home today, you can help me shave mah ahhrmpits!
Miss Lippy: With only a brief cameo in the movie, Miss Lippy manages to make a lasting impression. Where would we be without her? I'll tell you where, lost like that fucking puppy. We'd also be living a life without the permanent image of Miss Lippy slowly dripping glue on her face, and that's not a life I want to live at all.
Danny McGrath: If it weren't for Adam Sandler, Steve Buscemi would be this boring, old, skinny dude who shoots people and fake promotes prohibition. But TG for the Sandman because now his most memorable role is a weirdo who wears red lipstick and has a hit list.
Bus Driver: Because of him, the O'Doyle's no longer rule and he hooks up with the penguin. Dare we say more?
"That Veronica Vaughn is one piece of ace, I know from experience dude. If you know what I mean."
...No, you don't.
The Clown: Hey, kids, it's me. I bet you thought that I was dead. But when I fell over I just broke my leg and got a hemorrhage in my head! HA HA HA.
We couldn't possibly do a rundown of Billy as a favorite character because that couldn't be more Duh, so instead let's talk about his relationships with our two least/most favorite people: Veronica and Eric.
Veronica Vaughn: Right now you're thinking: So hot! want to touch the heiney! In reality Veronica couldn't be more annoying, she's a judgmental bitch with shoes too white to be trusted. But she keeps Billy on the educational path to his dad's fortune, and in the end all the milk was their milk.
Veronica: Don't you think it's a little pathetic that just because of who your is Father, you get to do school all over again?
Billy: Yes, I do.
Finally there's Eric, aka the guy from the West Wing and the villain of the movie. Honestly the best thing about him is that regardless of any role he plays in the future, under no exschmenuating circumstances will he be anything but "that guy from Billy Madison." His relationship with Billy is one for the books...
Billy's dad: Billy, could you step in here a moment? I have big news.
Billy: ERIC... IS PREGNANT?
Speaking the great feud of '95, let's go into the best and final scene of this movie, the academic decathalon. We got to see Billy in tights reciting Shakespeare and but more importantly were introduced to Knibb High's Principal (no not freak in tights Max Anderson). We give you this scene:
So betches, take a few hours out of your day today to blaze up and watch Billy Madison. We promise it's a shitload better than studying for or even attempting to explain BUSINESS ETHICS. And remember, if anyone ever tries to fuck with you when you're out or wherever, it's completely fine and acceptable to just stop and say STOP LOOKING AT ME SWAN. We do it all the time.