September 20, 2012
"You are cheerleaders. Cheerleaders are dancers who have gone retarded." - Sparky Polastri
This week's Throwback Thursday is dedicated to one of the classics of our generation. Next to Clueless and Mean Girls, the script of Bring it On occupied a third of our tweenage conversations. Like it was completely normal for us as 5th grade girls to run around during recess screaming 'lick my pussy ass cock shit.' And if the new girl was ever like 'whats wrong with you?' she was immediately shunned from our section of the monkey bars because everyone knew she was an uber dyke. Point blank, this movie puts the love in Betches Love This. It's the poo, so take a big whiff.
Obviously the majority of the jokes went completely over our japanese straightened heads but we still fucking loved it. It wasn't until many years later that we realized Aaron was a flaming homo, I got the door Torr!, and that the other male cheerleader who was apparently straight was basically fingering Mena Suvari 2.0 during lifts. I can't help it if my digits slip occasionally. Who knew? Probably most people. Regardless, this movie was about rich skinny bitches bopping around gyms and football stadiums telling other teams that it's alright and it's okay because they're going to pump their gas someday. Personally I've never seen a female gas attendant but that's probably because the gas station puts the poo in poor people.
Ugh there are so many ways we can reminisce about this movie. Big Red...platter, nationals, hello!? Spirit fingers, Cliff's mix tape... you're just what I need you're just what I need, the East Compton Clovers and the icky green color of their costumes, Isn't this the audition for Pippin? And of course, not resting on our laurels. As a 10 year old, I thought a laurel was a dirty word that meant loins. This movie was soo age appropriate.
And we would just like to point out here that the Rancho Carne Torros totally deserved first place at Nationals, East Compton Clovers clearly won on affirmative action. Cheerocracy my ass.
Speaking of asses, Sparky had some unforgettable lines about them, aimed specifically at Darcy:
Ah, good tone and general musculature. Report those compliments to your ass before it gets so big it forms it's own website!
Darcy, you should stop eating. You see, when you skip a meal, your body feeds off its fat stores. And if you skip enough, maybe your body will eat your ass!
But now that we're older and like wayyy more mature we have a few questions. Like, why did they have to name the Team Toros and the main character Torr? And who names their kid Missy and why the fuck would she have recognized the East Compton Brrr It's Cold in Here cheer? I transferred from Los Angeles, your school has no gymnastics team, this is a last resort.
That aside, we're going to leave you off with some quotes and no it's not going to be the opening cheer scene because I'm sure 95 % of the population has that committed to memory.
Les: You know, everyone's saying that your ambition broke Carver's leg.
Torrance: When really it was the angle in which she slammed into the ground.
Les: Kasey did a massive e-mail last night, misspelled "leg".
Les: Two G's.
Whitney: Front handspring step out, round-off backhandspring step-out, round-off back handspring, full-twisting layout.
Courtney: [Missy completes the tumbling pass] Where is this girl from? Romania?
Courtney: Whitney's sister Jamie is really teeny. She'll be easy to toss, and she doesn't give lip.
Jan: Just tongue.
Whitney: Kiss my ass, Jan!
Jan: Love to.
Cause you don't wanna miss a thing