September 27, 2012
One extremely accurate indicator of a fellow betch is the evolution of cell phones on which she's ignored people's texts. This is because all betches have always used the same ones since the beginning of time. Yes, even since before cingular became AT&T. From your first Nokia to the great #68 iPhone switch of 2011, the easiest way to let everyone know you're a betch is the 2 by 4 inch screen you carry in your Celine bag. And remember, Sprint is and always has been for losers who don't get enough calls to need more bars in more places.
Nokia - As a tween betch the Nokia was probably your first foray into cellular technology. This was before having a cell phone in a bright color meant that it occupied the same pocket as food stamps. With your cute little Nokia from the sushi-loving nation of Japan, you no longer needed a landline to tell your mom and her car phone to go fuck themselves before commencing a game of Snake.
Bedazzled Nokia - It had the same functionality as your Nokia, but it was fucking bedazzled. And no you did not bedazzle it yourself, you sent it out to a professional who charged you three times the price of the phone to turn it into a rhinestone symbol of your latent Carrie Bradshaw obsession.
Motorola color flip phone, LG color phone - With the emergence of color screen technology, everything changed. You got to experience life in color, your phone should too. Honestly, the backlit green hue of non-color cell phones would be right at home in a fucking jeopardy category with Al Gore and 9/11, really shitty reminders of the early 2000s. It was like Hilary Duff sang at the time - yesterday my life was duller, now my LG vx8200's technicolor. Depending on how often you could convince your dad to buy you a new phone for no reason or
purposely casually break it, you may have a few color flips in your past.
Motorola Razr - Hello Moto. To this day we'll maintain that the razr was sleek as fuck. It was color, had a camera and enough storage space for like 10 whole pictures and 20 texts, and when you hung up it snapped shut with the most amazing fuck-off sound. Then they tried to make the slvr happen which, along with fetch and the blackberry pearl, didn't happen.
Soon it was no longer acceptable to text by pressing the number keys multiple times to achieve letters. Like who didn't count 1-2-3 in their head while pressing 2 to type the letter C? It was seriously annoying work that significantly cut into our OC watching time. We had wayyyy too much #1 shit to talk to be making multiple thumb presses per letter. Enter the smartphone era.
LG enV phone - If the Razr was the height of phones being extremely #5 skinny, so skinny that they couldn't even include the O in the name, suddenly it was cool again to carry around a large chunk of plastic. Except this time, the chunk of plastic had a keyboard and let you go on AIM not just after high school, but during it. It didn't hurt that Blair Waldorf had the enV.
Blackberries - While some betches may have fucked with a Sidekick for a few months while her besties laughed at her for being ghetto, some skipped right to the bberry. As we laugh in the face of any loser who still uses one, we have serious nostalgia for the days of #34 BBM and all the drama that came with the R and D checkmarks. OMG Chris read my bbm after clocking me for 33 minutes and now it's been 5 minutes and he still hasn't answered me! Much like the amount of cracks on your iphone, the number of blackberries you broke or lost every month was a great way to show how much fun you are and how much money you have to replace your $500 plastic piece of shit. Who didn't love the array of Sunday facebook statuses, "broke my phone!! pin:24ac83d add me!!" ..I mean, whatever it took to get your contact list back up to 180. And don't even get us started on the intricacies of bbm status updates while #3 abroad, whole other post. *UK* *ES* *IT*
iPhone - This is where we are today. If we could build a Helga Pataki style shrine to Steve Jobs we would, but we don't have enough gum.