September 6, 2012
It's finally time to talk about one of the betchiest movies of our childhood. On the surface it's about a group of vaguely religious prep school kids with old people names like Cecile, Annette, Sebastian and Kathryn. Half of them are virgins and only half of them can drive. Sounds mis, we know. Turns out it was the most amazingly scandalous movie of its time.
We admit that the plot blurred the lines of incest before we even knew what it meant, and that in 1999 we had no fucking idea why Sarah Michelle Gellar was sniffing her necklace. But if not for this masterpiece Reese and Ryan may never have gotten married and divorced.
Then there was that time your mom recorded Dangerous Liaisons and a quarter way through you were like NUH UH, they totally stole this from Cruel Intentions! Then you casually realize your stupidity, and hope you didn't just say that out loud. Whatever, Glenn Close was too pale for comfort.
So, Cruel Intentions was like way above our appropriate age level but with a title like that there was no way we weren't going to watch anyway. For this Throwback Thurs here are some of the lifelong lessons that we didn't fully understand until years later.
1. Our love of the #53 SAB. Never in our elementary class had we encountered an SAB like Sebastian Valmont. How are things down under? Blossoming I hope. As soon as we heard him telling his therapist that she had killer legs and he'd love to photograph them we were opened up to a whole new world of douchiness. I can't believe that there was a time in my life when all I could think about was... sex.
2. Kathryn Merteuil is the ultimate crazy betch. She's the Marcia fucking Brady of the Upper East Side and sometimes she wants to kill herself. We get it K, it's just so hard finding time to fuck your brother. It's unclear how she became student body president because all she ever did was chill in her bed, which looked extremely plush and comfortable, but this taught us that a true betch knows how to act fake nice. Well I know this sounds corny, but whenever I feel the temptation of peer pressure, I turn to God and he helps me through the problem. Finally, we also admired her superior lingerie and subtle come-ons.
Kathryn: I'll give you something you've been obsessing about ever since our parents got married.
Sebastian: Be more specific.
Kathryn: In English? I'll fuck your brains out.
Yes this is disgusting in many ways, but can we blame her? She's a bored rich girl. Although now that I think about it, it's somewhat unsettling that 2 of our staple betchy movies include blatant plot lines about step sibling incest.
3. Cecile and Annette are quintessential nicegirls. Cecile was actually pretty funny but only because she had no fucking idea what was going on, so we enjoyed vicariously learning about Long Island iced teas and orgasms at the mere age of 8. Annette aka Reese was, in short, an annoying suck-up who wrote a fucking manifesto on saving herself for marriage. So we admit she may have come out on top in the end but we chose to ignore that.
4. "Email is for geeks and pedophiles."
5. Two girls can hook up and not be lesbians...
....but two guys who hook up are gay.
6. Being PC is like whatevs.
Bunny Caldwell: How dare you treat me with such disrespect! I got you off the streets and this is how you repay me?
Ronald Clifford (that guy from Save the Last Dance): Got me off the streets? I live on 59th and Park.
Bunny Caldwell: Whatever!
7. Everybody does it, it's just that nobody talks about it. So it's like a secret society??
8. If you keep a journal, everyone in school will see it. The one thing we thought was weird about Sebastian was that every time someone said something funny he put it in the burn book.
9. Bittersweet Symphony. Back when our jams consisted mainly of Britney Spears and like fucking Dirty Pop, it was totally okay to be obsessed with this intense orchestral piece.
10. It's all about #32 winning.
Sebastian: I can't win with you.
Annette: It's not all about winning, Sebastian.
...Um clearly it is, as losing apparently lands you under the wheels of a cab. Moral of the story: throw people under metaphorical busses, not real ones.