August 30, 2012
As betches-in-training, we grew up with a number of role models that we tried to emulate. Two of these celebrities were none other than the famous future skeletors Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen. At the pre-anorexic age of like 6 months, the twins were forced to share the role of Michelle Tanner on Full House, while being exploited by their parents in real life. By age 5 we had all fucking mastered the tagline YOU GOT IT DUDE! And our love for them was even able to survive therealization that they were in fact not one person and we would have to focus twice as hard to like them. Not only that, but finding out that they're actually fraternal twins was probably the biggest mindfuck of our childhood outside of learning to walk in 5-inch Steve Madden sneakers.
We think we can speak for all of us when we say that the lack of attention given to their trip to Grandma’s house by the Academy was a travesty on the part of all of Hollywood. Fuck nominations, these betches were well on their way to becoming billionaires by the time they finished wetting the bed.
After a slew of strangely addictive direct-to-video films, the girls struck an enormous chord with little baby betches everywhere when they starred opposite each other in the mathematically titled It Takes Two. These two singlehandedly created the film genre of twins who exchange identities with the help of their butler. It's like, just swap out Kirstie Alley for Natasha Richardson and Carol from Friends for Meredith Blake and these movies could easily switch places at sleepaway camp. But whatevs, who didn’t relate to the story of Alyssa Callaway? We had the poor little rich girl act down by the time this movie came out, but the dramatic fake-faint was totally a welcomed add-on to our reservoir of ways to get what we fucking wanted.
As if they weren't already the envy of every young betch, then the Olsens got to go #3 abroad to all these amazing destinations, such as Paris (where they had passport issues), London (where they were #32 winning), Rome (where they were...in Rome), and then to that island, you know, in the sun.
Luckily for our middle school selves, MK&A returned to their home on the small screen to do Two of a Kind and So Little Time, and we remember almost nothing about these shows except that we fucking watched. Around this time they also did Billboard Dad and New York Minute, the latter being our pick for greatest film
of the early 2000s that New York minute.
After that the girls realized that it was a lot easier to just not do work and decided to become
individuals anorexic NYU students fashion icons/coffee-table book writers. They may be out of the spotlight for now but we have no doubt their dual-lifetime achievement award is imminent. Until then we'll continue to ponder a question that's plagued us since betchhood: does Ash get shadily mad that it's not Ashley and Mary-Kate?