July 26, 2012
Now it's a pretty well known fact that betches love reality TV. Be it watching bitches embarrass themselves on Jersey Shore, the Bachelor, The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills, or even American Idol, we have a soft spot in our hearts for making fun of the average TTH American. But great as these shows may be, they don't even come close to being the betchiest reality show of all time. Yup, we're talking about your favorite MTV shows from 2004 - 2010. Shows that highlighted the lifestyles of the young, hot, and rich. Shows that made us strive to go to college for a year, drop out, and get a sick internship in the fashion industry and then write a book about it. Shows that made reality TV seem not THAT trashy. Yes, these were the The Hills and Laguna Beach and we fucking loved them.
Back when we were merely Betches in Training, Laguna Beach aired and we got to witness first hand, the amazing game of former Betch of the Week Kristin Cavallari as she took on her #25 arch nemesis Lauren Conrad for the heart of Stephen "I'm the only one who actually looks young enough to be 18" Colletti. As our friend groups began getting torn apart, we knew we had to pick a side. The nicer girls went with LC, calling Kristin a manipulative bitch. While true betches had to admit she was like, poor we still admired her game and her ability to make Lauren look like a desperate delusional dater. We got to witness the amazing drama between their #50 guy friends who were uglier but had trendier names like Talan, Trey, Dieter, and Fork.
Then came season 2 and with Kristin narrating, we knew it was going to be good. We were introduced to Jason, who would later date LC but who was currently perfecting his SAB lifestyle by dating Jess and Alex of rivaling, angry cliques. The drama was almost too exciting to bear. But then it was over and that was like, whatever. On to the Hills.
Ah the Hills, our dream come true. We too could be like LC, having continuous day parties with our besties amid going on fancy dates and clubbing with hot bros who would promise to treat us like shit and hook up with all our friends. It was like a betchy dream world ripe with the ultimate evil couple consisting of Spencer "blonde beards and crystals" Pratt and his frightening botoxed wife Heidi "Used to Go Hard" Montag. Now while all this drama was great and super exciting, it lead us to our next debate that still haunts us to this day.
Who is dumber? Stephanie Pratt or Audrina? Our friends went back and forth.
We even made a list:
Reasons for Audrina being dumber:
Starred in Sorority Row a movie which co-starred RUMER WILLIS. She even gave this retarded interview.
Hooked up with Brody while he had a girlfriend then thought it was chill to flirt with Brody around his girlfriend.
Dated Justin Bobby.
Reasons for Stephanie being dumber:
Went on a date with LC's ex Doug then tried to deny it in the funniest way imaginable.
Went to Rehab and AA after getting a DUI.
Tells Kelly Cutrone in her interview to intern for fashion PR that her dream job is designing handbags.
Shares the same DNA as older brother Spencer.
Has low brain activity.
Be it the fallout fights between Heidi and Spencer over Spence "TAKING SHOTS!??!!" with bartender Stacie, the drunken hookups and shit shows following Brody Jenner and every single girl on the show, the excessive use of the term "so much drama," and the five minute long camera shots of the girls just staring at each other, the Hills is up there on every betch's list of favorite shows that sculpted her into a mature, decent human being. Just kidding. Oh and If we didn't mention your fav moment, we apologize. Clearly if we started listing our favorite scenes from Lagunz and The HIlls we'd probably be here until next BOW. But in case you were wondering, the series finale 'it was all a set' blew our minds too.
Anyway, Laguna and the Hills are back on MTV so take these weeks as an opportunity to refresh your game, obsess over frenemy drama, and thank god that you weren't Morgan Smith from season 1. If the Hills taught us anything it's that we're glad to live in a world where Lauren Conrad is a best selling novelist and Stephen Collettii actually had a starring role in a primetime network drama.
And that is why for the past 3 years our friend group chat has been called Yay I Made Labels.