August 16, 2012
It was a fateful night in 2004 and we were just getting ourselves out of our post-camp depression, when something magical appeared on our not-yet-HD televisions. What is this ridiculously good-looking car-jacking that's happening before our eyes? I remember thinking, Is this Law & Order Laguna edition? Not quite. As soon as we heard the first witty convo between Ryan Atwood and Sandy Cohen, a beautiful piano melody began and thus our obsession with The OC was born.
When Ryan and Sandy drove past Marissa on that sunny California afternoon, it began one of the most intense, poorly acted onscreen romances we've ever seen. We hadn’t even met Seth and Kirsten yet, but we already knew that this show was going to give us one of our all time favorite ensemble casts.
The first season pretty much focused on Ryan’s culture shock, I mean, he went from breaking into Ford Foci to driving a Range Rover in like 3 months. Seth also melted our hearts whenever he unleashed one of his little sarcastic Jewish quips. The combo of his dorky smile, buttoned up polos and weed smoking made us want to make out with him and play with Captain Oats. And obviously Sandy, Kirsten, Julie and Jimmy were like the chillest parents ever. Granted they were pretty fucked up and constantly collarbone deep in dramz, but who didn’t want to get invited to one of those OC dinner parties where like alternate universes exist and Taylor is your spirit guide?
Josh Schwartz, the father of ensemble incest, created so many love triangles it made our heads spin on an obtuse angle. Ryan-Marissa-Luke was obvi the original and it was so heated that a model home was literally burned down over it. Then there was the Ryan-Marissa-Oliver, and we're not gonna lie, we were rooting for Oliver up until he turned out to be cray.
Mary-Jane/Spiderman Summer/Seth side, there was the Summer-Seth-Anna scenario; Summer dressed up as Wonder Woman like singlehandedly jumpstarted my eating disorder. Then came Ryan-Marissa-Theresa, Ryan-Marissa-Jonny, Seth-Summer-Zach, Julie-Caleb-Jimmy, the list goes on and fucking on, like driving down the 101. Also remember when Marissa was casually a lesbo with Olivia Wilde, making her the first girl to try the trendy lesbo-for-a-minute thing.
The Bait Shop and The Diner were both places that we always wanted to go. Did they not have the best fucking line ups of relatively unknown yet mildly famous bands to ever play at a bar? And despite the fact that they frowned upon weed smoking, we all dreamt of one day being a part of this crew. For some unexplainable reason neb-head Taylor Townsend got to fucking fill that role. Fuck you Taylor Townsend, why don't you go force another lock-in to make friends, we agree with your mother: YOU FUCKING SUCK.
After the shock of the Marissa-Ryan relationship coming to an obviously temporary end, we knew that the overdosing bitch wouldn’t be content with finding some Newpsie jock to fill the void. After all, last time she dated one he ended up like fucking her mom. The only person who could replace Muscle Tee wearing Ryan in her life would be tanktop/leather jacket combo wearing Volchok. Quite possibly the hottest person to ever come out of the public school system, we would be totally ok if he committed breaking and entering into our house and then into our jean shorts. This romance became the cautionary tale of why rich girls should never date poor dudes, because it will legiterally kill you.
Finally, we can't ignore the more valuable lessons the OC taught us, like how to celebrate cultural diversity through Chrismukkah and Bar Mitzvakahs, and so much more:
1) Even if you're defending yourself from being raped, don’t shoot your boyfriend’s brother because you will get expelled and sent to public school.
2) Don’t get drunk and climb up a cliff, as often as this may appear to be a good solution to your problems. RIP Povo Jonny.
3) Don't date random gingers because they may turn out to be the illegitimate love child of your adopted mother's father.
4) Don’t kick your sister out of your house if she throws a rager, she will become a stripper and give your son a lapdance.
5) The Valley was a show within a show, are we unknowingly characters in a show?
6) Don't get into fights at philanthropy events, this is the rich people equivalent of airing your dirty laundry. People in the OC don't even have laundry.
7) As long as your iPod contains a healthy dose of Sufjan Stevens and Rooney, happiness is never far away.
Be wary of the environmental forces of Ivy, it can drive even the most snobbish of girls insane and make you become a granola.
9) Yoga+pilates = yogalates
10) Don’t fucking die at the end of season 3, because not only will the best show on earth become a blasphemous abomination, but your career will tank and your bodyweight will equal the amount of pimples on your face.