February 19, 2014
Bros, this article is for you because I know at least 75% of you are currently huddled over your iPhones with 3 of your bros like, “Bruh! Just write ‘when you’re ready come and get it’ and hit send! Works 60% of the time, every time.” No, it doesn’t. If it did, you wouldn’t need Tinder. But since you do need Tinder, you also need our advice.
Don’t: Start your message with “hey beautiful,” “hey sexy,” or even worse, “hey girl.”
I think most girls would agree with me that having someone I don’t know call me beautiful makes me gag more than…well, my own finger. Or the word “moist.” Don’t be that guy. The way to a betch’s heart is not through her gag reflex.
What’s your end game? I say thank you and you’re all, “So you agree? You think you’re really pretty?” Yeah no, much like my attitude toward Ann Taylor Loft, I’m not walking into that one.
Also don’t get me started on “hey girl…” Yes I am a girl, thanks for noticing, Stevie Wonder. Am I supposed to be flattered? Unless you’re a thug rapper or Ryan Gosling, you cannot pull this off. Until that happens, quit using memes as your pickup inspiration, and leave the cultural appropriation to Miley.
Do: Compliment something specific about my appearance.
“Love your hair,” or “gorgeous smile,” or “break me off a piece of dat ass!” See, now we can debate the merits of Tresemmé vs. Herbal Essences, and bond over getting our braces done in fifth grade by Dr. Silverstein. Btw I was just kidding about that last one, making sure you’re paying attention.
**Sidenote: This bro will tell you that starting a conversation with “hey cutie ;)” is a surefire way to get in a betch’s bandage skirt. I say, tread carefully. Some girls like being called cute. Some will bash you over the head because you basically just equated her to a small child.
Don’t: Use a stupid pickup line.
“If I flipped a coin, what are the chances of me getting head?” “If you were a booger, I’d pick you first.” “Are you from Jamaica? Cause Jamaican me crazy, girl.”…Basically anything involving a pun qualifies as “stupid.”
Don’t ever use one unless you’re prepared for me to answer with, “Did it hurt? When you fell down from heaven and landed on your head?"
Do: Try to come up with something witty based off my profile, or point out shit we have in common
The ability to read is a trait that is highly coveted among females in search of a mate. It’s called evolution, look it up.
Don’t: Read too much into it.
Yes, I’m wearing a Superman shirt in my first picture. No, I do not want to discuss my favorite Superman story arc with you. I haven’t even seen Man of Steel. It was just a Halloween costume.
Don’t: Not say anything
The only time I’ll ever initiate a conversation with a guy is when I tell my doctor I “get nervous on airplanes sometimes” so he’ll write me a prescription for Xanax.
Do: Ask me what I’m up to tonight/this weekend.
Odds are my plans are more fun than yours, and what betch doesn’t like talking about herself? I meannnn, that’s basically the tag line of this site. Plus if you tell me what you’re doing I can automatically rule out one place I will not be going. Unless you’re going to buy a round for me and all my friends. Then maybe we can talk.
Good luck guys, and may the Tinder odds be ever in your favor!