March 29, 2012
So recently there is a 3D movie craze that everyone is obsessed with. Along with the American public's hard on for motion pictures with multiple dimensions comes the re-release of some old faves like Toy Story 3D and a movie that lasted four hours on screen and forever in our hearts. That's right. We're excited to re-see a movie we already re-see every time we're hungover and it's on TNT. Get your tissues and 30 mg Adderalls ready betches, Titanic is back.
If there's one thing universal to betchhood, it was a moderate to extended childhood obsession with Titanic. If you don't have any pics of you and your third grade besties reenacting the front of the ship scene, it means you had no friends to do this with.
The reasons we love it should be obvious. Titanic is all about a cruise full of rich British people coming to #63 America to spread teatime and hats. And though this cruise also brought some povos, that problem was solved when they hit an iceberg and oops, we only brought enough lifeboats for the rich people! Like a 1912 version of Occupy Wall Street, the poor bros on the ship refused to shut the fuck up and had to annoy the rich people into giving them life vests despite their very generous offer to have violins playing while they drowned.
Let's talk about Rose. During this 4 hour film she sports no less than 6 different last names, but she starts off the movie not as a betch, but as a boring bitch. Aside from being named Rose after like, everybody's great-grandmas, she's also from the unbetchy city of Philadelphia and only marrying control freak Billy Zane because she's in debt. Technically this makes her even more poor than Jack, but she's not into Billy no matter how many heart necklaces he gives her. Your standard betch would've gone for douchebag pro Zane and wouldn't really be into the whole idea of 'spitting really far' as a fun date. Also, no betch would be that good with an axe.
And come on, you dropped the Heart of the Ocean necklace off the dock? Are you dumb?! Do you know how many Birkins you can buy with that thing? Probably one, but still. We know because we've seen on those infomercials that you can get it in 45 installments of $22.99, so it's clearly very elite and expensive.
But Rose's inner betch emerges, starting with her overdramatic BSCB suicide attempt. Like chill attention whore, there's no way you're gonna do it, there's 3 hours of movie left! Some time around the 2-hour mark she perfects #42 dressing like a slut in expensive jewelry, and by the end she's completely turned, letting Jack die while she takes a snooze on her little raft. Like what, they couldn't switch off? Bitch couldn't give it to him for like a minute and a half? When she said never let go she meant as long as her fingers were toasty.
Anyway, R and J's five day affair has since been named the most romantic movie of like, life. But it's interesting to us that everyone seems to think that Jack is all perfect because he's really hot, good in bed, and a nice guy with a soul. Au contraire losers, don't be fooled by his shitty clothes and artsy charcoal sketches. Jack is your typical #53 shady asshole disguised in bohemian garb.
Ever notice how he constantly calls Rose out for a being a bitch, makes her jealous of his hot Paris prostitutes, and conveniently gets it in by day four? We get that they were distracted by the iceberg after their really classy car tryst, but we promise he wasn't THAT into her after she gave it up. Take this post-coital exchange, right before the iceberg hits:
Rose: When the ship docks, I'm getting off with you.
Jack: This is crazy.
Rose: I know. It doesn't make any sense. That's why I trust it. [Cue making out]
See how he doesn't really answer because he never actually invited her to come? He's sooo #82 over it. Take this other example of his undying shadiness, even as he's about to literally die.
Rose: I love you, Jack.
Jack: Don't you do that, don't say your good-byes. Not yet, do you understand me?
In this scene, his body temperature is rounding 50 and still he's beating around the bush. If Jack had somehow miraculously survived, Delusional Rose would've been on the chase for years. The bro was 20 for fuck's sake! She was 17! Crazy cakes also told the guy at the end of the movie that her name was Rose Dawson. Did she really think this was like, a lifetime thing? We'd go so far to say he willingly gave her the door to lay on because he'd rather die than settle down before 30.
Don't agree? You mad we ruined your favorite romance? Don't want to believe it? Revolutionary Road aka Titanic 2 shows us what an abortion their marriage would've been. So when you see Titanic again, pay careful attention to Jack's game. Typical shit from your typical bro on his typical vaca. We'd bet a third class ticket on the Titanic that his dying thoughts on that icy Atlantic night went something like: Fuck, this is some lose-lose shit, it's either die now or move in for life with a bitch I fucked once on Spring Break. Pop a Xany Rose, your heart will go on.