September 24, 2013
Even a drug addiction can't help this one. When you're attached to High School Musical and Vanessa Ughhhdgens for so many years there's only so much you can do to reinvent your image, even if you're having movie sex with Piper from Orange Is The New Black. If he were less tan (or a LOT more tan) he would look like Michael Jackson. Tell me you see it too.
He used to be good, like circa The Holiday but now I would rather have my feet Chinese foot bound before seeing another stupid British period drama with him and Kiera Tightassly. I didn't think it was possible to dislike a British accent until it came out of his mouth which a) distracts me because of the mole directly near it and b) pisses me off because of its stupid fucking smile.
The other day I saw something on E! about how R-Patz is embarrassed to take his shirt off. You're an actor! Get some self esteem. Not only that, but it seems like he has some sort of requirement for his hair that it stands at least two inches tall on its own. And I know it's not our business, but how bad must you be when Kristen Stewart cheats on YOU.
I don't remember a time when Eddie Murphy wasn't the bane of any movie for me. Okay, he was good in Shrek, but his face was hidden. Ugh you all know how annoying he is I don't need to explain.
He is and will always be a fucking hobbit and the jealous pasty actor. Seriously man, you look like your bar mitzvah was yesterday.
If Nick Cage was of the Twitter and Instagram age, I have absolutely no doubt he'd be in a loony bin in an alphabetical cell next to Bynes. I'm actually surprised that the header "I'm Fucking Crazy" hasn't been added to the Personal Life section of his Wikipedia yet.
I can't exactly pinpoint what it is I can't stand about Jack Black. Maybe it's his rhyming name, maybe it's the fact that I think he resembles Tommy Pickles grown up. Maybe it's the hair, the voice, or the extremely unfunny jokes. Or it might be the gaptooth. Not his fault.
Get a grip kid, you're like 4 years old. You're not that cool. I thought he was so cute after seeing whichever Karate Kid he was in but then after seeing the Justin Bieber movie (yes I saw both of those movies) I wanted to throw this kid off the fucking helicopter that his parents fly him on. And I'm sure the recent rumors of him dating Kylie Jenner added an extra layer to his confidence that changed his persona from little douchebag to medium sized douchefuck.
Ruining movies since the 90s. He is a reason I will never see Spiderman. The fact that it's Spiderman is the other reason. The name Tobey Maguire sounds like a baseball player and I wish he had become one because then I'd probably never hear of him. And can we discuss the fact that he added at least twenty minutes onto the Great Gatsby remake due to the fact that he spoke at a pace of exactly one word per minute? I can't. I just can't.