March 26, 2014
It’s pretty obvious betches have never had to deal with “real problems." Sure, there are people dealing with like war and poverty, but you haven’t known real stress until you wake up and realize you left your phone at the bar. One man’s trash may be another man’s treasure, but one person’s luxury is every betch’s panic attack.
Here are some of the moments that give us extreme anxiety. Warning: you might want to take a Xanax before reading this.
Unless you're a Karen, plans are usually made for you. Somehow shit usually comes together; people tell you where and when to show up and you just do, and that's the way it goes. But then there are those few times when your friends are lazy or in another state and the planning lands on you. Cue freak out.
The Smith only has a brunch reservation for 6 people at 3pm and Westville doesn't take reservations but they said our wait time shouldn't be more than 20 minutes. What does everyone want to do. HELLO. CAN SOMEONE PLEASE ANSWER ME I CAN'T DO THIS ALONE.
I told everyone to meet at the restaurant at 8, but Emily and Katie want 8:30 which gives us, like, no time to get ready. Fuck, I didn’t even work out today. God, WHY DOES EVERYONE KEEP TEXTING ME!?
Time management isn't your strongest suit, but you're not to blame because like, how are you expect to manage your social life in addition to something like time? So since you're constantly #108 late to shit, you've devised a simple system to make up for it: lying about where you are. And that place is always: on your way!!
Jenna (9:00pm): Where are you? we have to leave for the pg in 20
You (9:10): On my way now!
Jenna (9:30): Seriously where the fuck are you
You (9:35): Omg so sorry something happened will tell you later! on my way now
Jenna (9:36): You're such a liar just get here
You (9:45): Omg no I'm not I'm in the taxi now!
... Meanwhile we all know you are still in your apartment trying on like, a 6th outfit.
Being the economic demographic we belong to, hearing people hate on the 1% is something that can strike panic in betches around the world. I mean, my dad pays your salary, you should probably stop criticizing me. Does anyone have an iPhone 5 charger I can borrow??
If you can get away with it you'd screen their calls but most of us can't because we would get a follow up voicemail saying, 'WHY ARE YOU SCREENING MY CALLS' ... so we pick up. Every call with our parents is like playing roulette: are you calling to tell me how much you love me or yell at me that I spent too much money on my credit card this month? It's usually the latter because the former comes via text that's why we literally, CAN'T with the phone calls.
And to top it off, they usually call at such inopportune times, like when you're in a movie or when you've just hit a bowl. Now you're just pissed off because you know you have to call, so you respond with a text saying, 'Hey what's up' hoping they'll text back something like, 'Hey honey, what are your thoughts on the new Valentino bags for Spring' but in reality it's something more like, 'Call me. I'm not happy.' Suggestion: When this happens, don't call them, just hit the bowl harder.
To do as little work as possible while maintaining my current standard of living. And probs spend a few months traveling around Europe, again. That's the answer you were looking for, right?
You obviously don't start any of your papers till the day before they're due unless you like, ugh, care. But then suddenly it's 9pm and you've been sitting on your computer the entire day doing who know's what (you honestly have no idea) and have 3 hours to complete your entire paper. PANIC ENSUES. You go on Facebook to calm down. And now it's 10pm.
OMG MY HAIR!! And if a few drops come down at any time during a betch's tropical vacay, there's no way you will hear the end of that. IS THIS SOME FUCKING JOKE. WHERE'S THE SUN? Oh there it is! TG. OK where did it go? Omg did I just feel a rain drop? I can't NOT come back from Cabo black. Omg it's totally going to rain later, I like feel it. Quick give me the oil.
Oh wait, it’s just the food delivery guy, nvm.
Remember the address! Remember the address! Don't stare him directly in the eye! But like, now, even if you're of age, we do feel a pang of anxiety every time our ID is checked. I swear it's real!
Aka hell on earth. Your chin starts to shudder like Carrie Mathison off her meds. You transform into another person, or like the Hulk. Seeing as we wrote an entire post on it, there's a reason this is number one.