August 6, 2012
It's a simple truth that every betch was raised by two things: a nanny and Disney films. Somewhere along the way we had to learn our betchy ways, and it definitely wasn’t in fucking Spanish. Nor did we have any sympathy for fake-princesses such as Cinderella and her rodent groupies or like, Snow White. The bitch was constantly trailed by a posse of bros with severe TDS. Not to mention Belle who fell in love with a literal beast and was provincial as fuck. But luckily Walt Disney introduced us to lots of two dimensional betches to whom we'll always look for inspiration, blow drying tips, and inanimate objects as besties.
10. Nala: Can you feel the betch tonight? Nala is clearly only into Simba because he is a member of the Lucky Sperm Club and she just can't wait to be queen. After she pins Simbs she helps him evolve from bro to pro. Nala controls the Animal Kingdom with one lift of her perfectly manicured paw. Too bad Pride Rock wasn't as progressive as Britain and won't let her rule.
9. Barbie from Toy Story 2 & 3: Growing up, we prepared for the future by imagining how our Barbies would deal with being gorgeous and gifted at all professions including figure skating, slumber partying, and living in Malibu. Disney got it right when they brought cinematic life to our hero and marginalized Bo Peep as a virgin who can’t drive.
8. Sleeping Beauty: This royal betch is the epitome of sitting on her aerobicized ass and doing fucking nothing. Everyone knows this movie is just the tale of a really crazy Blackout Wednesday. Maleficent was probably just her misunderstood pharmacist who prescribed her with some seriously good sleeping pills. By making herself constantly unavailable due to her incessant #170 napping, men literally have to TTH to get her attention. She is the ultimate bachelorette and doesn’t need Chris Harrison or a fucking rose ceremony to prove it.
7. Alice (in Wonderland): Usually we like to put rabbits in our hole rather than fall down rabbit holes, but Alice is a total betch. She doesn't do work. Doesn't want to marry. Doesn't let some fat bitch in a Valentines Day costume mess with her. And most importantly we credit her for introducing us to hallucinogens at the ripe old age of 5.
6. Jasmine: She is Disney’s number one daddy’s girl. We can only imagine the whole new wardrobe she has in her palace. We don’t really understand her infatuation with the 99% but we can only guess that this is her attempt to seem down to earth. Although she was tricked by a street rat with a tacky Middle Eastern Day Parade, Jasmine’s crop tops and chic pet tiger keep her on our list.
5. Ariel the Little Mermaid: The favorite royal daughter, she doesn't go anywhere without her posse of adoring sea commoners. She has the best room in all of the sea, filled with every whos-it and whats-it a teenaged betch could ever want. It was Poseidon’s but I made him trade me. She's mastered the art of knowing how to get a man (looking hot and keeping your mouth shut). Sure Ursula is pretty betchy, but Ariel understands the importance of keeping off the weight and tentacles. Ariel is a master of body language and hair flips. I mean, she's so busy not eating that she can't even remember the name of utensils.
4. The Evil Queen: Villainesses are a dime a dozen in the Magic Kingdom, but only one can be the tyrannical narcissist who rules it with an iron fist. We personally think that Magic Mirror got it all wrong when he dubbed albino Snow White as the fairest of them all. Seriously? I guess that's true if 'fair' is a euphemism for 'pale as fuck'. The Queen married her way to the top, probably without ever having to act on her promise to blow the King, wears an avante-garde oversized collared cape dress combo and maintains a no bread diet of apples all the time. She refers to the Hunter by the name of his profession, because clearly she was too busy nursing her reflective surfaces addiction to remember his real name. Don't fucking try to dethrone this beauty queen, because she will have your fucking heart.
3. Tinkerbell: This betch could fit into our mini crocodile Celine bag, and similarly we would like to carry her everywhere. Sassy, short, and snorting pixie dust, Tinkerbell makes us think happy thoughts. She runs Never Never Land and is never never going to take shit from any one. Remember when she tried to kill Wendy over Peter? Plus, she like pretty much is her own private jet. FUCK SOOKIE!
2. Pocahontas: Disney discovered a whole new land of betch when they introduced little children everywhere to Pocahontas. This oppressed chief’s daughter doesn’t let her strict father hold back her wild tendencies. From sneaking out down the river to trippin balls and befriending trees long before that girl from Ultra ever did, this betch knows how to throw a paint party with all the colors of the wind. She gets pros from both sides of the Atlantic to fight to the death over her. Team John Smith or Kocoum? Plus, she sports our favorite offensive ethnically ambiguous Halloween costume.
1. Cruella De Ville: The semi child-friendly version of former BOTW Anna Wintour, Cruella De Ville is the number one Disney betch. Sure, she may need a dye job and missed the memo that we use #95 little dogs as accessories, not turn them into ones, but she has a major fashion sense and attitude. With a jaw line that would cut glass and cigarettes longer than the lines we cut at clubs, Cruella De Ville, we applaud you and support your war against PETA.