August 13, 2012
The level of betchiness exuded by a leader of a clique can be measured in the amount of bodily harm inflicted or wished upon them. Much like historical role model Marie Antoinette, the most typical way to dethrone a Queen Bee is to fucking kill her or manipulate her into dying/wishing she were dead. As exemplified by our top choices, nicegirls wouldn’t stand a chance against them if not for the helpful hand of Death or like, Mr Duvall.
10. Angelica Pickles: The Oppressor of the Playpen. This betch in training always knew how to make everything about her, and did not at all care to fucking share. Her signature quote is "Sometimes I wish I could be you, so I could be friends with me." The aggressive demeanour she sported was the product of wealthy parents who neglected her. So naturally, being mean to annoying nicegirl cousin Tommy and the other kids was just the way she chose to fill her time. Whether or not the other Rugrats care to admit it, Angelica keeps the rest of them foaming at the mouth for her approval.
9. Alison DiLaurentis: The Master of Deception. She has blackmail ammunition on everyone, and there's an ongoing conspirAcy of her victims who murdered her because she was such a bitch. Until her untimely death, she was easily the most beloved, most hated girl in Rosewood.
Lucas: It was just an accident.
Ali: Is that what the doctors told your mom dad at the hospital?
On her friends: “It’s a nice haul, right? All one of a kind and all mine…just like you guys.”
8. Naomi Clarke: The Most Popular Girl at West Beverly. She wasn’t meant to be the main character but anyone who watched 90210 quickly realized that she should be instead of short theatre geek Annie. She is the gorgeous bitch who is as rich as she is hilarious and it is because of this that no one can stand up to her. A Naomi Clarke party is not to be missed. Everything from her slew of amazing mansions to her constantly changing luxury cars, to her insensitivity and sarcastic wit allow her to run shit at West Bev. Naomi Clarke is the new Kelly Taylor and she fucking knows it.
7. Darla Marks: The One in Charge of Hazing Freshmen. She loves high school yet she can’t stand it. She doesn’t like anyone, unless they like her. Most of all, she just wants to smoke cigs and fuck with freshmen girls. Back in the 70s, hazing was legal and this betch took it upon herself to humiliate all of the little prick-teases who can’t follow instructions. YOU LOVE US! SMILE! YOU LOVE US!
6. Blair Waldorf: The Uptown Girl. With the literal nickname Queen B, it's fairly obvious that Blair's reign over the betchiest neighborhood of the betchiest city of the betchiest country in the world, has earned her a spot on this list. Between holding court at Constance Billard and almost marrying a prince and becoming an actual queen, it takes a special betch to get not only a hotel named after you, but a trendy salad too.
5. Cersei Lannister: The Trust Fund Brat. Cers is the wealthiest and most passive aggressive betch in the Seven Kingdoms. She refused to fuck her fat husband, gets wasted on wine on a daily basis and rules the lands through the puppeteering of her annoying son. She holds real power, and she is not afraid to wield it to always get what she wants. How many brothers do I have to fuck to get the Iron Throne?
4. Cher Horowitz: The Benevolent Savior. Although not an outright sass-hole like most of the royalty on this list, Cher dominated her school through manipulation masked in kindness. She drove like an idiot, she doesn’t fuck bros and her mechanized closet pretty much fills our dreams on a nightly basis. When she transformed Tai into her progeny by washing the blood out of her hair, she made us understand that sometimes being nice to other people can help you feel better about yourself.
3. Courtney Alice Shayne: The Usurper. She literally killed her best friend because she wanted to be a shoe in for prom queen. She had the entire student body terrified of her and they didn’t even know she was a murderer. All that we know is that it takes a serious leader to be able to walk though the halls like everything is peachy fucking keen, all the while knowing that her best frenemy is like rigamortis in the trunk of her convertible.
Courtney: I don't believe we've met, what with the cruel politics of high school and all
2. Heather Chandler: The Leader of the Heathers. Everybody at Westerberg High either wants her as a friend or a fuck. This betch caused one friend to have an eating disorder, had her other one fulfill her lunchtime poll requirements and constantly made the last one’s life a living hell during Croquet. The only way Veronica was able to cut her reign short was to literally feed her a mouthful of liquid Drain-All.
1. Regina George: The Leader of The Plastics. I mean, her name literally means Queen. She is the most important betch at all of North Shore High and quite possibly the world. With her faithful besties at her beck and call and the entire fucking school at her feet, this bitch wrote the book on betch. If not for the conspiracy against her between all of the junior girls in the gymnasium and that stupid bus driver, we could assure you that Regina George would still be at the top of her game. Well if it’s any conciliation, you’re still at the top our list.
Honorable Mention - Big Red: The Head Cheerleader. Despite the fact that she no longer goes here and that she was a fugly ginger, she is seriously skilled in commanding minions. We admire her ability to instill an intense sense of panic in anyone within reach of a front handspring step out round off back handspring round off back handspring full twisting lay out. She puts the etch in betch...and she’s still. Big. Red.