August 20, 2012
Every bestie group should always have a #7 token crazy friend. This Bat Shit Crazy Betch makes us look normal in comparison and always brings the stories, the drugs, and the fucking psychotic episodes to the party. She is defined by her compulsive need to rage, psycho breakdowns and tantrums, and/or her sociopathic tendencies. Whatever her sitch, this is the girl who lets others know not to fuck with you or any of your friends. Let's look at some amazing fictional examples of betches who could never be accused of being the dud. Although very different, they are united in the fact that they're all crazy as fuck.
10. Lisa Rowe - She taunts Brittany Murphy into killing herself (awkward), manages to be the queen bee of the mental institution, and is a former drug addict who barely sleeps or eats. This Girl Interrupted betch is fucking scary and she's not afraid to call out your ex-boyfriend's new wife at the ice cream shop, even if it means losing her outside privileges. Considering she's played by Angelina Jolie we can see where she gets her crazy inspiration from.
9. Jennifer Check - So Jennifer's body is amazing despite the fact that this crazy betch eats boys. Talk about having the upper hand. Jennifer gets her BFF/sidekick who is LITERALLY named Needy to be her bitch and help with her evil schemes. She's still fucks with her though and even tries to make out with her boyfriend. Despite her proclivity towards literally killing them, boys can't help but want to fuck her. I mean, after all, she's played by Megan Fox.
8. Mona Vanderwaal - She's A's minion, loves shopping, and is like, Mensa smart. And for someone who looks a lot like an Asian betch, this girl has a pretty WASBy last name. She's been in a mental institution for attempted murder of her besties and makes really fucking hard codes that even the most talented of 16-year old detectives could barely break. Maniacal? More like Moniacal.
Mona: You know they say the punishment's supposed to fit the crime, but this community service gig is like the ninth circle of hell.
7. Nina Sayers - This Black Swan defines crazy. When she's not rolling at clubs and having lesbian sex with Mila Kunis, she's letting the whole company know that she's the fucking Swan Queen! She's clearly skinny as fuck and has no problem fucking her way to the top. This BSCB will cut a bitch if it means getting her mom to stop calling her "
nice sweet girl."
6. Georgina Sparks - Don't let her elderly first name fool you, she can and will ruin the lives of you and your entire extended/adopted/estranged family. Between faking identities, pregnancies, and deaths, Georgina is the spark heard around the fucking world. She's like an Upper East Side pre-war cockroach who refuses to fucking die, or at least go to rehab. Honestly, the only time we could get behind one of her insane plots was the time she got Serena drunk before the SATs. Now that's our idea of a good prank.
5. Amanda Clarke - Emily Thorne is so fucking crazy that she has two identities. After spending years crafting an intricate, meticulous plan to get revenge on her father's frenemies, Emanda will even fake an engagement to get what she wants. When she's not doing lines with her GBFF Nolan or plotting the murder and framing of the entire Grayson clan, she's obvi slumming it at the bar with Jack Porter.
4. Helga Pataki - Okay so some people call her a bully, but that doesn't mean this BSCB doesn't know how to rule the fourth grade like a true fascist totalitarian dictator. She's got her TAB Phoebe taking notes and following her every move, she makes a shrine to Arnold that she consistently makes out with, and she sabotages any of Arnold's possible relationships while simultaneously taunting him for having a football shaped head. Oh Helga, all it would take for him to fuck you would be shaving your fucking unibrow.
3. Veronica Sawyer - Veronica Sawyer is the ungrateful member of the most powerful clique at her school who hates her friends because they are prettier than her. She fucking inner monologues like every fucking 5 minutes and wears a monocle. She can't accessorize for shit. I don’t know what’s more cray, the fact that she killed all the popular people or that she dated that Goth murderer JD. Bowling for Columbine? More like Playing Croquet for Westerburg.
2. Lisbeth Salander - No one fucks with Mark Zuckerberg's ex-girlfriend. Lisbeth, aka the girl with the dragon tattoo is not afraid to get her revenge. Okay, so her bestie group mainly consists of just her and Daniel Craig, but that won't stop this BSCB from kicking ass and making moneyyyy. And yeah, when she puts on a wig and takes all the hardware out of her face, she's actually like, really pretty.
1. Kathryn Merteuil - Love triangles between nicegirls and your stepbrother are never normal. Kathryn fucks with people just for fun. From antagonizing Selma Blair to plastering on her fake smile to doing lines out of her necklace, Kathryn is the richest and craziest bitch on the Upper East Side.
Honorable mention: Tracy Freeland - She was once a nerdy little nicegirl who wrote poetry and made the honor roll. Then her parents got divorced and she started to lose her mind. In a ploy to gain popularity she starts shoplifting, doing drugs and screaming a lot. Like maybe stop spending so much time screaming on merry-go-rounds, you are the scariest fucking 13 year old bitch since my gay friend went all barmitzvah-zilla on his parents.