August 1, 2012
Behind every betch is a betchy mom, without whom we would never know how to properly yell at our cleaning ladies or use our cleavage to get what we want. With that, we give you the top 10 betchy moms from TV, film, and the E! network. So pick your favorite, embrace your future, and pray to the heavens you don’t have an ugly daughter.
10. Gloria Delgado-Pritchett: After escaping the Colombian drug trade, Gloria immigrated to America and stepped right into betchy motherhood. If her body doesn’t get her what she wants, she just yells it in broken English until it happens. JAAaaay!! She uses Manny as her stand in GBFF when Ginger and the Chubby Clown aren’t around and though her accent is slightly misleading, do not mistake her for a nicegirl. G has found the perfect formula for manipulation and sex appeal to get the Pritchetts, America, and Pepsi on her side.
9. Rachel Green: Rach really evolved over the decade long run of our favorite show. She went from spoiled little rich betch, to a waitress, to a haircut, to a successful Ralph Lauren-working mom. From the day after she gave birth and accepted the security proposal of someone who wasn’t her baby daddy, it was clear that Rachel Karen Green was going to be the betchiest of mothers. This was reinforced when she entered Emma in a beauty pageant at the ripe age of 1 (which she won, fucking duh) and her plan to move with her daughter to Paris for a childhood away from her loser scientist dad. That didn’t work out but don’t worry Emz, nerdy fathers are the easiest to manipulate. We would know.
8. Lois Griffin: Like any good mother, Lois uses shame and humiliation to try and manipulate her fugly daughter into losing weight so she’ll stop embarrassing the rest of the Griffin clan with her hideousness. She’s hot, funny, and cares very minimally that her baby is psychopathic. Even her dog is fucking in love with her. Louis’s only non-betchy attribute is her refusal to accept her rich dad’s money. Come on Lo, if Tori Spelling can do it so can you, and please follow suit in the nose job department as well.
7. Lily Rhodes/van der Woodsen/Other/Bass/Humphrey/Bass: Obviously the former Ms. Van Der Woodsen’s betchiness plummeted the moment she said I do to anything from Brooklyn. But before that, Lilly practiced supreme betchiness which we can all aspire to: she married an ultimate SAB pro, with whom she had beautiful children and then ditched so she could spend the next ten years fucking marrying other rich pros before settling down for “true love”. I mean she already had her UES penthouse so it’s like, whatever.
6. Mer (Parent Trap): so she wasn’t really a mom, but she reacted exactly the way we would if the hot pro we were trying to marry had spawned demon ginger twins whose lives revolved around sabotaging our chances at co-ownership of a vineyard. And by that we mean she took one large sleeping pill and passed the fuck out so she could escape the hell of a reality that was TWO LINZLOS.
5. Gabrielle Solis: We still remember the initial devastation we experienced during the 5 year flash forward on DH which revealed that Gaby’s future held… fat children. This was impossible to comprehend because her tiny frame and white-washed Latina sass always made her seem destined to become the embodiment of betchy motherhood. She faced the biggest fear we have for our future daughters, and for that we send our most sincere condolences. Stay strong Gabz, and don’t be afraid to say “put down that fucking cupcake."
4. Julie Cooper-Nichol-Cooper: She left her husband because he got poor, she attempted to poison her old ass replacement husband to get his money, and openly mocked povo Ryan Atwood for being fucking povo. I mean no wonder Marissa OD’d in Tijuana. We just feel bad for Little Coop after her sis died and left her alone with this pill popping slut. It's okay though, she got another job on Gossip Girl/Secret Life of the American Teenager.
3. Regina George’s mother: She's not a regular mom. She's a cool mom and if you're going to drink she'd rather you do it in the house. Enough said. You guys need anything, some snacks? Condoms? Let me know! Ugh, God love ya!
2. Kris Jenner: if you are still under the impression that the Kardashians are real people, please refer to our explanation of Scott Disick’s fictionality before telling us that the leader of the Armenian mafia does not belong on this list. I mean, what’s betchier than literally turning your children into your infinite money making employees? At this point the original KK couldn’t monetize her family any further unless she strapped a fucking utter to Khloe’s gut and pawned her off to the highest bidder. So Kris we salute you for heading the worst thing to ever happen to America, and we hope someday we’ll have a family just like yours, only completely fucking different.
1. Lucille Bluth: When it comes to betchy moms, Lucille Bluth takes the cake. She's married to George Sr. but fucks his brother Oscar while he's in prison. She has four kids that she does an amazing job at manipulating. From telling her daughter Lindsay that she's fat to getting Michael to give her more money to adopting an Asian kid just to annoy Buster, she goes out of her way to prove to the world that just because you're a mother doesn't mean you can't NOT give a shit about your kids, spend all day shopping, and have everything your way.
Case in Point:
Lucille: Dinner's ready. We're having Lindsay chops... What? I just wanted to be ready in case some bully at school was as clever as I am.
Narrator: No bully ever would be.
Lucille: How much could a banana cost? Ten dollars?
Michael: You've never been to a supermarket, have you?
Lindsay Funke: Oh, God. Not that "I'm in love with my mother" dance thing. I'm so glad there wasn't one of those for Daddys and Daughters.
Lucille: Of course they have father-daughter dances.
Lindsay Funke: They do? He never took me?
Lucille: It was before we did your nose.