July 18, 2012
Today's list needs no introduction, as douchebags, both real and fictional, are timeless beings for betches. Without further ado here is our list of bros who we wish more than anything would ignore our texts and dick us around.
10. The Winklevii: This #9 nickname, bestowed upon the Winklevoss twins by real-life douchebag Mark Zuckberg perfectly captures these two peas in a crew boat. While the duo was portrayed by one actor Armie Hammer, their onscreen personas emit douchiness more than Kate Hudson emits middle aged whore. The fact that there were two of them definitely adds to their top tier asshole standing and we don’t want to imply incestual homosexuality but did either of them have any female interaction throughout the film? We think not. But I mean, if hooking up with myself was an option, I can’t say I wouldn’t.
9. Jack Donaghy: While Liz Lemon’s boss isn’t a douchebag through and through, he definitely implemented the douchiest of douche tactics in order to achieve mega success. From being voted “Most” at Harvard Business School to being the first person to utter “I need a vacation from this vacation” Jacky D has earned his spot on this list. We just know that at this very moment he could be found somewhere sipping scotch and eating gold plated ice cream, wearing a fucking tuxedo of course. Like it’s after 6, what is he a farmer?
8. Aaron the Cheerleader: As the quintessential douche bag-MGB hybrid, Aaron really fucked Torrence’s shit up. From convincing her she wasn’t captain material to referring her to Sparky fucking Polastri, this loser made dropping the spirit stick the least of Torrence’s problems. Not to mention he constantly cheated on her. While we agree that Aaron isn’t boyfriend material, he’s most fucking definitely high quality douchebag material.
7. John Tucker: He must die, fucking duh. Honestly though, the bitches in that movie needed to chill. Like yeah John is a super douche, and obviously he will have sex with multiple girls and lie about it. But really, what did you think would happen when you open your legs for your high school’s biggest player? No one asked you to be so fucking easy. When a guy doesn’t call you back you delete his number, not plot his downfall with your eskimo buddies.
6. Zoolander: Is there really more to life than being really, really ridiculously good-looking?
5. Warner Huntington III: Only the most advanced of assholes could find it in them to break the heart of our favorite blonde Elle Woods. And then to turn around and immediately get with that pasty J. Crew lesbian, I mean she could seriously use some highlights. But in the end we’re thankful that Warner dumped Elle because it led her to law school which led her to the fucking white house. And as we know DC could use more betches after Monica Lewinsky soiled the reputation of hot interns everywhere the blue dress.
4. Scott Disick: While the retards among us are preparing to point out that Scott isn’t a fictional character, we disagree. This bro is a caricature if we ever saw one. From shoving 100 dollar bills in the mouth of the waiter who denied him booze to literally refusing not to party in Vegas, Scott is a DB which all other DBs should aspire to. These days Scotty’s tendencies have mellowed now that he’s all but wifed up an Armenian. Thankfully though a tiger never really changes its stripes as is evidenced by this emotional and gracious tweet Mr. Disick composed the day after the birth of his daughter: “make sure you watch the grand opening of my restaurant on KUWTK tonight.”
3. Ari Gold: Ari G nears the top of this list for obvious reasons. Sure his douchey ways caught up with him and drove his wife to ditch him for a fucking ginge, but like any qualified deeb he won her back through lavish gifts and a casual villa. And while we think the ensuing Entourage movie is the dumbest fucking idea since Twilight, at least we have Ari and the abuse he bestows upon his gbff/Asian slave Lloyd to look forward to.
2. Chuck Bass: Obviously this list would be incomplete without the legend that is Charles Bartholomew Bass. He is basically the personification of a pimp cane. Not to mention he swiped Blair Waldorf’s V card then refused to say he loved her for like 2 years. In fact Chuck’s least douchey (and most pussy-esque) moment occurred when he did finally say those 3 little words. But I guess we can get over that. I mean…he’s Chuck Bass.
1. God: God is the ultimate douchebag. He co-wrote a never ending story about himself and his achievements. That shit is an all-time bestseller. He talks shit about and refuses to acknowledge all other gods. He hired the best PR rep in existence aka the Pope to hold masterful press conferences every Sunday for all of eternity. Some would say anytime it snows, it is God doing nature-coke. Anytime it rains, it is because God spilled a drink on himself. When there is an earthquake, it’s just God #134 dancing on tables. A lot of people believe everything happens for a reason and we agree: that reason is that God does whatever the fuck he wants when he wants. I mean he like, invented the universe.