Top 10 Fictional Dream Boyfriends

By The Betches

10. Heath Ledger in 10 Things I Hate About You: We've long forgotten his character's name, but we're sure just about everyone in the world remembers him as the bad ass bro who sang Janie's Got a Gun I Love You Baby on the bleachers. We're also sure that this scene solidified the most unrealistic expectations for male behavior since we watched Disney videos. Put aside the rumors of his jail sentence and his belief that pelting a girl with paint balls is a fun date, we would believe this SAB if he said we were too good to be true. The greasy stile-ing of his coif and our nostalgia for Heath Ledger earn him the last spot on this list, but every betch can agree he deserves a mention.

9. Chandler Bing: Everyone knows that Ross is gay, and dating Joey would result in a 30-40 lb weight gain. Chandler is smart, funny, and doesn't jerk off to sharks. He's a really sweet guy but can be a douche when he needs to be, like when he moved to 15 Yemen Rd, Yemen. He seems like the best boyfriend ever, except for the time he called Monica fat, told a kid he was adopted, and admitted he was scared of Michael Flatley's Lord of the Dance. His legs flail about as if independent from his body! And no, he can't BE wearing anymore clothes. 

8. Prince Eric: His coloring is exquisite.  

7. Ryan Atwood: Despite his season 1 choker necklace, this bro made every girl want to date him. Sure he had serious committment issues, but who wouldn't with family issues like his...hooker mom, Hercules dad. There aren't any guys out there who would beat the shit out of literally anyone in your honor while making a back-windshield window look that hot. 

6. Emmett from Legally Blonde: This Harvard lawyer pro is such a #33 nice guy that the meanest thing Elle could call him was a butthead. And it was literally the first time anyone's insulted him since the 9th grade. Though his gushing inspirational lines made us uneasy (why don't you just try to be something you are?), we're impressed by his mature decision to lock it down with Elle right after graduation. We'll try to forget that Professor Stromwell made him cry once.

5. Nate Archibald: We would have chosen Chuck but he's proven to us, season, after season, after season, after season, that he can't withstand a normal relationship without getting shot or like, attempting to sell his girlfriend. So Nate it is. Nate could've easily been higher on this list had he not been so high all the time. From a purely objective boyfriend standpoint, he pretty much sucks at everything. Between his cheating on everyone, involvement in bi-weekly scandals, and repeated failure to communicate anything that might clear up tragic misunderstandings, he's basically been a vortex of total social chaos for everyone ages 16-65 in Manhattan/Williamsburg for the past decade. I'd still do him.

4. Josh from Clueless: The second lawyer pro on the list, Josh is the hotter, wittier, and less intellectual version of Emmett. I mean he could barely settle the dispute about Polonius. Josh is the west coast, chill student type who probably decided to become a lawyer (using his family connections) after seeing Risky Business. In other words he's perfect. He's a licensed driver with nothing to do, kind of a Baldwin, and knows the difference between a vaca in Mexico and one in El Salvador. ...omg, I love Josh!

3. Smith Jerrod: With his hot actor name and sexy as fuck absolut campaign you can easily forget he used to be a waiter named Jerry. We'll also forgive the time he was late for Samantha's homemade sushi dinner because he shaved his head for her. The simple fact that he was able to lock down legendary slut Samantha Jones (she has sex with everyone) speaks volumes about him in more ways than one.  

2. Daniel Grayson: Like Nate Archibald, Daniel Grayson is a dumb as fuck but extremely hot and rich party bro with financially sketchy parents. Daniel wins the higher spot because he hasn't cheated on every girl on the show yet, only his mom so far. We might have even given him the #1 spot if not for the psychotic mother-in-law who comes with him, and also for the high probability of the government seizing his trust fund at any time thanks to all the experimental terrorism his parents did in the 90s.

1. Noah from The Notebook: If you're a betch, he's a betch. Noah is the ultimate master of the grand gesture, from hanging off a ferris wheel and lying in the middle of the street, to building an entire house to lure Allie back from her powerful, rich fiancee. He wrote her 365 letters, and this was before they had gmail. He even stayed faithful to her after she forgot who he was. However we have no doubt that deep down Noah had some serious game, because he somehow convinced her to date him by telling her she's a pain in the ass 99% of the time.

Honorable Mention - Christian Grey: 3 words...toy vagina balls




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