September 17, 2012
Let's be honest, the majority to the entirety of our knowledge of history comes from movies and television. I mean, besides TBT and the time the nerd who does our homework got a little mouthy and explained the essay he wrote for us about Russo-Japanese relations at the turn of the century, we really don't know anything about the past. That is, except when we see ourselves in historical figures. With a bit of narcissism, a betch will realize that she is a member of a longstanding line of people just like her and that it is her responsibility to go Wiki her ancestors.
10. Eve - You see, we’re all descendants of Eve, the ultimate power betch who got kicked out of the Garden of Eden for partying too hard and #42 dressing like a slut. She had no shame. Even though she’s the original
eater sinner and failed to #8 not fuck bros, it’s okay because without her we wouldn’t be the betches we are today. Plus, you don’t have to be that on top of your game when there’s only one bro around.
9. Helen of Troy - In high school we learned about a supermodel tramp who was married to an old dude because he was like brother to the king and way famous. Her name was Helen. She got bored and started banging the hot prince from an enemy country and eventually decided to go #3 abroad to Troy, much to the dismay of her fugsband. Even when she heard that they were going to war over her, she was all like “my apologies for not at all being apologetic but I am in the middle of tanning in Apollo’s sun so you can fight it out while I bronze."
8. Anne Boleyn - Anne was the master manipulator who slept her way to the top of the British political hierarchy. While we don’t condone fucking bros, she definitely had the whole “seduce a royal” thing down long before Grace Kelly. We would just like to point out that as we've said before, it is often the fate of queen bees to be murdered by people who are mad that they are more popular. Haters gonna hate and political adversaries gonna decapitate.
7. Marilyn Monroe - This buxom blonde paved the way for future sluts like Anna Nicole Smith, Lindsay Lohan, and Amanda Bynes to get fucked up and be huge BSCBs. She was famous for doing a shit ton of drugs, fucking the Kennedys, and her love of air conditioning. Even though she always wore the same thing and was sort of fat, we love her because she was smart enough to have a way skinnier actress play her in her sort of biopic.
6. Audrey Hepburn - She's famous for her serious case of the #5 skinny neck, big sunglasses, long cigarette holders, pearls and an updo. And after being in a movie about the smallest meal of the day, she inspired every college betch to hang up posters of her. Oh and you know the little black dress, she like invented it.
5. Grace Kelly - Born with a trendy two-first-name name, Grace Kelly was a socialite turned Oscar-winning actress turned princess. You would think it hard to upgrade when you start out that way but we literally couldn't imagine a better life. True she may have been princess of a country that's barely bigger than my house, but apparently Hermes didn't mind because the Kelly bag is named after her. Not to mention an entire Mika song.
4. Cleopatra - In our young age she was pretty much the only Egyptian celeb that we knew, besides the Pharaoh who wouldn’t let Moses’ people go. She was in a sometimes long distance, dramatically complicated and supremely steamy love triangle with original pros Caesar and Marc Antony. She was the most stylish woman in the ancient world, the godmother of bling, the originator of the smokey-eye, rocking a perfect tan and skinnier than any other African. We don’t really know anything about her but we watched her movie the week that Elizabeth Taylor died and were into it.
3. Princess Diana - She perfected the art of looking like she cared while so obviously probably not. Like I mean, we know we're not supposed to speak ill of the dead, so we won't, there is legiterally not one bad thing we could say about her. She was British, didn’t really like her husband, and became an icon because she was thin and stylish. When she was over being married to a crown-royal she shacked up with the pro who owned Harrods, because she totally missed those years of teenage rebellion when she got to do shit like date the foreigner of whom your family doesn't approve. Can we just mention that our Princess Di Beanie Babies were totally decked in a matching purple dress and we like lit a candle when she passed.
2. Marie Antoinette - Had she been alive today she would've totally dominated Rich Kids of Instagram. As a member of the #17 lucky sperm club who was married off to her backburner prince to solidify a political arrangement, this stylish betch taught us all how to mix pastels without looking like Easter. She quickly realized that her hubby was a duddy and it was at this point that she was just like fuck it; I’m getting drunk and going shopping. From the time she got to France to the time she lost her head, MA perfected the art of being #24 insensitive by ironically telling starving people to go eat fattening pastries.
1. Jacqueline Kennedy Onassis - Sunglasses icon Jackie O is the only historical betch who's ever inspired us to want to pretend to know about politics. She's everyone's favorite first lady, possibly because she's the only one who was hot enough for anyone to remember. I mean really, Nancy Reagan? Just say no. Anyway, after her husband aka the most fuckable president JFK died, Jackie married an oil tycoon and basically spent her life chilling and answering the question "who are you wearing?"
Honorable Mention: Elizabetch the First - As the pioneer of not fucking bros, the Virgin Queen is a major fucking bad ass. She used to have men throw themselves at her and royal dudes come to be her suitors, all for her entertainment with no intention of marrying them. Talk about blue
blood balls. She married her country, like the land itself. We don’t know if this was a metaphorical attempt to seem down to earth but like woah, that is some serious devotion to her career.