October 2, 2012
10. George Clooney: His womanizing ways are more well known than his MGB tendencies, but make no mistake, our moms have been speculating about this one for years. Hollywood’s eternal bachelor may seem to be living every straight bro's fantasy, however it’s just as likely that his slew of foreign model girlfriends are of the mail order variety.
9. Oprah and Gayle: Steadman is supposedly the Big O’s leading man, but we think her bestie Gay-le might really be the (wo)man of her chocolate dreams. As Tina Fey once so accurately stated: “Amy Poehler and I have been friends for so long, we’re just like Oprah and Gayle! Only we’re not denying anything.”
8. Ryan Seacrest/Simon Cowell: Between the two of them, neither has a V-neck larger than a Gap Kids’ medium so even if they’re not gay, their nipples definitely are. Their Idol onstage banter could have easily translated into red-hot bedroom chemistry and it must be noted that in terms of homosexuality: spray tans speak volumes.
7. Jesus: I mean the man has been starring on Broadway for 45 years. Chose to have his last meal with 12 dudes. Gayer than Liza Minelli.
6. Kanye West: We're going to assume that the only reason he’s dating Kim Kardashian is because her ass reminds him of a giant set of balls. And hello he used to go out with Amber Rose, because there weren’t enough females without buzz cuts to choose from. Really though, Kanye is just in love with himself, so pretty sure that qualifies him as a ‘mo.
5. Jonathan Cheban: On the topic of Kardashian klingers, it's pretty clear to us that Cheban is as gay as his locks are long. He's never been with anyone on reality television (so it's definitely true) and if the extremely sharp and intuitive Kris Humphries can pick up on a gay vibe, you know it's there.
4. Zac Efron: We’ll give credit where it’s due, Perez has been calling this one for years. Zac-attack first burst onto the scene as a high school basketball star but damnit all he wanted to do was sing! Also, his high school sweetheart Vanessa Hudgens totally said that he only wanted to have sex once a month. So sorry Z, but the cat’s out of the bag. And the little condom falling out of your pocket on the red carpet stunt didn’t fool anyone-- that rubber never went near a vagina.
3. Will Smith: While many dumb Americans think Will and Jada are the 21st century Cosbys, it is well known in elite Hollywood circles that the Fresh Prince is as gay as Prince. And to answer your follow-up question, yes, we think Jada is a lesbian. Their marriage is one for-the-sake-of-procreation, which is great because really what would we do as a society without Willow's hair?
2. Tom Cruise: I mean he’s the celeb originator of the Church of Scientology, aka the Church of self loathing homophobia, aka you’re gay but you reallllly wish you weren’t. We knew the minute he said 'I do' to poor Katie Holmes, some sort of child-bearing contractual agreement had been sealed...as well as her lips when it came to the truth about her husband's sexuality. When she finally finished her sentence this summer, the question of his homosexuality was definitively answered…with a big fat Mission-To-Be-Straight Impossible YEP.
1. John Travolta: Of the Big 3, Travolta is the only one to have been caught red handed. Literally. We'll just say we’re glad we will never be his masseuse. Not that he'd want anyone with a vagina to grease his lightning anyway.