September 25, 2012
Although when we think of dads we usually just think of the name we forward our credit card statements to, a true betch knows that they’re so much more than that. Our dads give us all the direction a betch could need. Whether it's making sure we’re #8 not fucking bros, telling us who the president is, or making our moms shut the fuck up when they’re yelling at us, our dads have instilled the perfect value structure to help us avoid teen pregnancy. When it comes to other people’s fathers betches can’t help but admire bros who happen to have offspring and remain like, really really hot. So let’s take a look at the top 10 TV DILFS we’ll be forever comparing to our future husbands.
10. Jim Halpert – The most ugly-hot dad in The Office, Jim Halpert manages to make a paper company look sexy. From stealing Pam away from Roy to consistently fucking with losers like Dwight and Andy, Jim makes us want to laugh and fuck him at the same time. Dad to Cecelia and Phillip, he’s the only bro we’d consider moving to Scranton for.
9. Mauricio Umansky – He’s a Mexican Jewish real estate pro who produced the cutest kids imaginable with one of our fav housewives, Kyle Richards. By far the hottest real housewife husband, Mauricio proves that true love can exist in Beverly Hills. Plus, he like probably has a house in Cabo.
8. Nathan Scott – Although he’s the husband of a tutor girl, no one can deny that that Nathan is one hot teen dad. Although Jamie gets weird looking as the seasons pass, even a wheelchair and a fugly beard couldn’t fully strip Nathan of his hotness.
7. Mike Delfino - Hands down hottest dad on Wisteria Lane. Seeing as he's a plumber, his job is very far from ever being called glamorous, but then again we never said Susan was a betch. Despite the time Mike spent in jail, rehab, various car accidents, and a coma, we would still have sex with him in a heart beat -- well not his heartbeat, because he's dead.
6. Eric Northman – Our favorite proverbial vampire dad to ultimate betch Pam, Eric shows that just because you’re a father, it doesn’t mean you have to be #24 sensitive. And hey I guess now that Tara’s a vampire, he’s technically a hot grandfather.
5. Ari Gold –This ultimate Hollywood asshole’s looks are amplified by his douche nature. If Ari’s almost divorce taught us anything it was that it’s okay to make fun of red headed chefs and that America will continue to love you even if you’re an evil racist agent as long as you throw your kids some affection.
4. Sandy Cohen – Although we deduct points for his intense eyebrows, Sandy Cohen is a dad we’d both want to have and have sex with. He managed to snag regulation hottie Kirsten Nichol despite her mean dad’s objections, Sandy is the only sort of nice guy we’d consider settling down for.
3. Scott Disick - Scott is the hottest reality dad to Mason and Penelope. Scott proves that just because you’re a dad it doesn’t mean you have to act mature or actually give a shit about anyone besides yourself. He also teaches us that the best way to have kids is to make sure someone else is taking care of them.
Kris Jenner: "I'm going to teach you a new Spanish word every day, from my Mexican heritage."
Scott: "You're Mexican?"
Kris: "No, but I've been there."
Scott: "So have I - with you."
2. Don Draper - As an old school dad from the era of niceguys like Mike Brady and the fucking Partridge family, DD is the hottest shady asshole dad of his time. Even though he was really a poor bro named Dick Whitman, he used the betchy skill of #129 making shit up to become the rich pro Don Draper. He had former BOTW Betty Draper before she got fat and even managed to keep a secret wife, all while maintaining a 1:1 ratio of mistresses to old fashioneds. As far as his parenting skills go, he once let Sally get blackout on Bring Your Daughter to Work Day. Dad of the fucking year.
1. Hank Moody - Topping off our list with the number one spot is Hank Moody, a man who despite his cheating, arrogant ways we can’t help but be helplessly in love with. His soft spot when it comes to Becca makes us love him even more and he’s the only dad who’s not afraid to get a thug rap star to beat the shit out of his kid’s cheating boyfriend. Now that’s hot. So he might be the worst father ever, but at least he owns it.
Hank Moody: I have a confession to make, I didn't like you very much at first you were just this annoying little blob. You smelled nice, most of the time, but didn't seem to have much interest in me; which I of course found vaguely insulting.
Honorable Mention: Kevin Hamilton - Not much to say about him other than he's hot, young, and like really hot. Everyone is either Team Matty or Team Jake, but we're Team Kevin.