September 20, 2012
Trainwrecks have always been a staple of pop culture. If it’s not a blacked out hit and run preceded by a crotch shot, it’s an overdose ending in rehab or a straight jacket. Betches love a great trainwreck because not only are their catastrophic antics beyond entertaining, they make us feel much more together about our lives when we wake up on Sunday morning barefoot in a laundromat wearing a sombrero. So in order to celebrate these walking disasters, we’ve compiled a list of the top 10 biggest trainwrecks to have ever rolled through Hollywood.
10. Tara Reid: after countless botched plastic surgeries which seemed to have also surgically removed most of her brain, American Pie’s innocent virgin suddenly became America’s favorite trainwreck. Tarz was always as open about her boozy ways as she was about flashing her vagina when exiting vehicles. Between getting wasted poolside in the middle of the day to pissing outside clubs, Tara was a fullblown trainwreck and she didn’t care who knew it. We don’t know what she’s up to these days, probably still making Van Wilder sequels or begging Alison Hannigan for a guest spot on How I Met Your Mother.
9. Kim Richards: One of the most entertaining housewives of Beverly Hills, Kyle's sister doesn't always show up to shit, but when she does it's usually to get drunk and say weird slurred crap. Although she's been to rehab, that hasn't stopped Kim from flaunting her boyfriend Shrek around Beverly Hills' most exclusive events.
8. Michael Jackson: Talk about daddy issues, poor little MJ was destined for trainwreck-hood the first time Papa Joe told him he was ugly. Like most trainwrecks, he filled the holes in his heart with pills, surgeries, and creepy sleepovers with kids. RIP MJ, we hope when you ascended to heaven you realized how beautiful you are. And we hope God fixed your nose.
7. Courtney Love: to understand how deep the cracks of the late Kurt Cobain's wife ran, look no further than her overly injected, cracked-due-to-drug use lips. All of them.
6. Britney Spears circa ’07: a Hollywood girl who was not so lucky. In the 90s Brit seemed to have it all: popularity, Justin Timberlake, her virginity. Suddenly, the millennium struck and it was clear B-Spears was heading down a slippery slope. At first it was innocent enough: whips and chains, making out with Madonna. But as the decade rolled on Brit’s decision making skills seemed to have diminished faster than her 6-pack. This was clear in the TWO marriages she had committed to by 2006 (remember her 15 minute Vegas nuptials?). The former Mouseketeer had truly lost it, and when she shaved her head in early 2007, it was clear that it was never coming back. Sidenote: to this day it is obvious that Britney is heavily medicated and without the proper PR guidance she’d be right back to swinging that umbrella.
5. Charlie Sheen: ironic how someone who coined the phrase “winning” could actually be losing so fucking hard. While Charlie was at the top of his publicity, it was clear that his real life had never been more of a disaster. Cocaine fueled orgies, ex-wife abuse, and locking prostitutes in closets became his standard Saturday night fare and he got almost as many misdemeanors as Linzlo. But whatevs can’t say we blame him for trying to party, it's not his fault he had tiger blood.
4. Amy Winehouse: Wino was the butt of everyone’s rehab jokes until one day she didn’t wake up and…well she probs should have gone to rehab. Before Amy’s trainwreck ways cost her her life, she was the ultimate hotmess, throwing shoes at audiences, vomiting in public, and presumably smoking large amounts of crack. It is a shame that someone so talented had to join the Forever 27 club, but hey at least she doesn’t have to suffer through the Call Me Maybe travesty.
3. Lindsay Lohan: the trainwreck that keeps on giving. Linzlo has had so many runins with the law, it’s actually comical. I mean since we started writing this post on Tuesday she’s already been arrested again. Despite years of her parents making
promotional appearances pleas for her to get help, this Disney star turned lesbian turned necklace stealing disaster is still hitting the clubs and partying like there’s no tomorrow. And who knows? For Lindz, there might not be.
2. Whitney Houston: When it came down to it, it seems that Whit’s greatest love of all was coke. And she suffered the consequences. RIP you Goddess of soul, you will not be forgotten. Always a betch, Whitney made sure to dispel the rumors that she took crack by saying she was too rich for that shit.
1. Marilyn Monroe: if Smash has taught us anything (other than the fact that Katharine McPhee has the shoulders of a linebacker) it’s that Ms. Monroe was the original trainwreck to which all future trainwrecks would aspire to. If she wasn’t too barred out to function, she was having emotional meltdowns on movie sets or fucking whichever rich pro would help her forget that her parents didn’t love her. Still, Marilyn was and forever will be a betch icon to whom we can always look for tips on manipulating men and just being all around fabulous. We just wish she was still alive today so she could push past Linzlo in the bathroom and show girlfriend how to really cut a fucking line.
Honorable Mention: Amanda Bynes - the best is yet to come.