April 2, 2014
As if a betch’s life weren’t hard enough, if you’re a betch who’s under 5’4” without your
stripper going out #90 heels on, your life is that much tougher. So many things that are an easy and normal part of life to tall or even average-sized people, like hoisting yourself onto a moderately high ledge, or reaching the peephole on your apartment door, become trying ordeals that may at times require therapy or at least retail therapy for the short betch. Tall people everywhere need to remind themselves of their good genes or like, hashtag #blessed a little more often, because they just don’t understand the trials and tribulations of what we go through on the reg, such as:
1. Everyone trying to use your head/shoulder as an arm rest – it’s not fucking funny, tall-ass friend of mine, and even though it seems all-too-convenient for you, my shoulder was not actually built to withstand the weight of a full grown man. That shit hurts. Cut it out.
2. Fact: No matter how expensive your heels are, they’re only comfortable if you’re at least 6 shots deep. But this can backfire because you are small, so your tolerance is low, and that paired with an accidental over intake of shots and over application of bronzer one night may award you the nickname of Snooki.
3. Even though you’re obviously the hottest thing since self-serve froyo, people’s default is always to call you “cute.” Fuck that I am not a small child or a fluffy baby animal I demand you recognize my hotness!
4. You thought you’d safely made it out of the crop top phase of the late 90’s and it was a tragic day when they came back in style because crop tops do not exist for you. No matter how small of a size you buy, crop tops are still normal tops. Unless you have big boobs and that's an entirely new struggle we can delve into later.
5. Good fucking luck finding a maxi dress that doesn’t a) make you look like you’re drowning in a sea of rayon or b) make you trip over your own two feet like you’re Jennifer Lawrence.
6. Pants. Buying pants makes you feel like a freak of nature. No I do not want to fucking get these hemmed! Why is the short inseam still too long?? I demand to speak to a manager!! Whoever measured this atrocity should be fired from their Malaysian sweat shop!
7. Handing the bouncer your ID at a bar or club and having him scrutinize it for a full five minutes while all your besties are inside already ordering vodka sodas. Shit, is he gonna call the cops on me? Oh wait, my ID is real. Do I still have that Xanax in my purse??
8. All the short guys prey on you like they’re starving vultures and you are the last dead armadillo carcass in the desert for miles. Look I’m sorry that you’re 5’4” and while I understand the struggle is real, that does not mean we’re destined to be together and spawn the next stars of The Little Couple. It’s not my fault I don’t want to hook up with you; it’s basically an innate evolutionary desire for me to go after a tall guy so we can have normal sized babies.
9. Concerts kind of suck unless it’s stadium seating or you find a guy who’ll let you sit on his shoulders the entire time. Otherwise I basically paid $50 to run around The Tabernacle looking for enough strategic gaps between people so I can actually see Beyonce's left ass cheek.
10. When people find out your height and they’re like, “Really? You don’t look that short.” Yes, yes I do look that short. It’s taken a long time and a lot of Loubs but I’ve finally come to grips with my 5’2” self. I know everything looks the same size from all the way up there so quit falsely getting my hopes up.
On the bright side, your choice of men is rarely limited, you’ll look like you’re 20 pretty much forever so you save like a ton of money on Botox, and guys love picking you up and that makes you feel fucking dainty.