July 23, 2012
Any betch would agree that no single quality is sexier on a man than
confidence a nicely sized penis. And any betch will also agree that if it weren't for both these traits, there would be no such thing as #19 ugly hot bros. To those unfamiliar with the phrase ‘Ugly Hot’ here's some help. It means neither “hot” nor “ugly”; it refers to a man who is presumed to be hot because of shit he says/does/buys for us, but in reality he’s actually relatively heinous looking. So while the Ryan Goslings of the world are running around relying on chisled abs and prominent jawlines to pick betches up, the ugly hots are using their egos and senses of humor to distract betches from their man boobs long enough to get a phone number.
Because “Ugly Hot” is both an ambiguous and extremely complex term, we introduce you to 10 bros that epitomize the essence of being seemingly hot whilst also being really fucking ugly.
10. Andy Samberg: He caught our eye for the first time when he put his dick in a box on SNL, because this is actually a really thoughtful gift. At first glance, one could safely assume that Andy is the love child of two Ashkenazi chimpanzees. But look past his fro and nostrils, and Andy turns into an ugly hot bro who makes fun of celebs all day for a fat paycheck. Funny and rich? We’ll take it.
9. Jim Carrey circa a long ass time ago: Creepy Uncle Jim has so little going for him these days that it's a wonder he made this list at all, but he was able to reel in former Playboy model Jenny McCarthy, so he's at least slightly worthy of our attention. As pre-teen betches, we thought he was seriously fucking funny in Liar Liar, Dumb and Dumber, etc… and only grew to love him more after seeing what a good role model and companion he was for Jenny's special son. Snaps for Jim for being a supportive husband, and for never ever making an Ace Ventura movie again.
8. Conan O'Brien: We love Conan for his bravery and willingness to stare into the eyes of sluts like Anne Hathaway and Lea Michele and pretend to halfway enjoy the conversation for a living. Even though he's a tall, awkward, ginger who battles it out with Trump for the worst hair in the history of the universe, we'll get high and accidentally lose the remote for Conan’s show any day. And we're not the only ones who love his quirky shtick, BSCB Melissa George monogrammed his face on her underwear in Sugar and Spice. Someone else being obsessed with him kind of makes us want to be obsessed with him.
7. Seal: Between the really unfortunate scar on his face and being named after a dog-mermaid hybrid, we have to give the guy some props. Seal managed to pull Betch of the Week Heidi Klum and actually convince her to have sex with him every day for 7 years. So aside from performing miracles, Seal Henry Olusegun Olumide Adeola Samuel makes up for what his face lacks in his talent with his gift for singing soothing elevator music. Betches know musicians are sexy, and so are dads, so so is Seal.
6. Rob Kardashian: On a good day, Rob looks like a mix between Kim and Shrek. So basically, he looks like Khloe but a guy. There's really nothing physically appealing about a big-assed guy whose his career path consists of crying about dress socks. I mean, he had so much potential to be skinny successful, but then Kris forgot she had a son. Regardless, Rob is every betch's key into a world of cameras following her everywhere, and that makes him hot and us potential celeb socialites, so we’re clearly down with Rob K.
5. Alec Baldwin: It’s okay that he’s packed on the lbs over the past ten years because AB is a such a manbetch he’s like, somewhat allowed to be overweight. Except he's not anymore because his yoga instructor wife who's half his age whipped his ass into shape, so now he looks kind of ano but whatevs. Whether he's gallivanting around like a diva on 30 Rock, bitching out a flight attendant because he’s about to play a 30 point word, or getting shitfaced and calling his daughter a rude, thoughtless pig, we die for Baldy. He's like the sexy dad of our bestie we've always wanted to fuck.
4. Daniel Tosh: Tosh.0 is such a fucking hilarious show that it's hard not to have a crush on its ugly hot host, Daniel Tosh. Talking politically incorrect shit about randos on national TV never looked so good on someone who came out of Central Florida. Although his body reminds us of Gumby and his face looks like a baby terdactyl's, he's witty and wears mad cardigans, so we forget about all of his flaws for the half-hour he's on TV.
3. Lil Wayne/Jay-Z: Number three is a tie between two equally ugly hot rappers who make white girls everywhere wish they could be remotely ghetto without being mistaken for JoJo. Lil Wayne had our hearts when he first expressed his mututal distaste for “late texts” plus he smokes tons of weed. Jay-Z put a ring on Beyoncé and created the power team that Kim and Kanye will attempt to be until Kanye comes out, and betches love empires so Jay-Z can totes sit with us. We also predict that Blue Ivy will be running the world by the time she’s 7.
2. Prince Harry: This is the only top 10 list you will ever see with two gingers, but it's obvious why Harry made the cut. Every betch has dreamt about being a princess ever since Disney kept drilling it into her head. Then, we saw how skinny, pretty, and stylish it made former commoner Kate Middleton look and we were fucking sold. Harry is famous for being douchey, cocky, and giving off that "fuck you" vibe for which his balding older brother doesn't have the balls. And let’s be real, no one can resist a good case of rosacea.
1. Russell Brand: Epitomizes ugly hot in every way. From the jeggings to the eyeliner to the rats nesting in his involuntarily dreaded hair, this bro reeks of ugly but his British accent and comedic genius makes him fucking hot. And although he was at one point addicted to everything one could possibly be addicted to, we give him props for getting his shit together. However we do wish he would relapse and go full-on Aldous Snow one more time just so we could catch a glimpse of the coked out version of himself and finally settle the dispute that there is, in fact, no difference. Either way, Russ is smelly-chic and we love him.