March 21, 2014
You’d be lying if you denied the fact that every girl on this planet has been fantasizing about the Pro she’s going to end up with since she was like 7. That’s not saying we’ve started a wedding scrapbook or that we know whether or not we want an A-line/empire waist/mermaid style dress (I’m all about the keyhole back though), but like, we’ve thought about it. I mean pretty much everything you watch as a kid ends up in a love story, even if it’s targeted at toddlers which is kind of creepy if you think about it but whatever.
Even though every movie ever ends in the main characters coupling up, some fictional couples are betchier than others. Like, Ariel leaving her home where her dad is literally the king of the fucking ocean and little crabs and shrimp and whatever do her hair every day, all because she saw some dude on a ship from a distance, once? Major fuck-up; not betchy. Cinderella going from povo to attracting a Prince all because she has great feet and killer taste in shoes? Pretty fucking betchy, if you ask us. If the movie actually continued past “happily ever after,” I bet Cindy & Charming would’ve torn shit up in Never Never Land or wherever the fuck they live, but unfortunately no one asked for my input when the script was in pre-production, so…
Here’s a ranking of the most and least betchy fictional couples:
4. Jim & Pam
Don’t try to act like Jim and Pam weren’t the reason you kept up with The Office aside from Michael and oh yeah, Kelly was pretty great too. Like even though we knew they’d end up together because it’s like TV we still watched every week like NOOOOOO JIM WTF HOW COULD YOU DATE KAREN EVEN THOUGH SHE’S ACTUALLY WAY HOTTER THAN PAM BUT LIKE…STILL!! Jim and Pam are hilarious and cute (in a sort of average way). They’ve also mastered the art of witty banter and pranking the office weirdo so if it were real life we’d probably like, talk to them at the water cooler and stuff.
3. Elle & Emmett
Emmett may have started off as sort of a nice guy but he’s also literally the only character who didn’t immediately write Elle off just because she didn’t dress like a constipated bitch. Also need we remind you of the ending sequence? If you don't remember, here’s the clip.
2. Francis & Claire Underwood
1. Jay Z and Beyoncé
They take the top spot because let’s be real, even Nicholas Sparks couldn’t make up a more boss ass couple than Jay & Bey. Pretty sure the term “power couple” didn’t even exist before Crazy in Love came out. If Jay Z and Beyoncé ever get divorced that is how I will know that no marriage can ever work and I’d be more upset than like if my own parents got a divorce. Also I mean the whole “someone as goddess-like as Beyoncé fucking a guy who looks like Jay Z every night” thing does have an element of fiction to it.
4. Dawson & Joey
Talk about two sappy losers who totally deserve each other. When they're not spewing rhetoric from a college level advanced English Lit class, they're giving each other deep stares and not wanting to have sex. Seriously, the only person more nauseating to watch Katie Holmes date is Dawson Leary. Like we get that you're poor but Dawson is practically the literal definition of nice guy. Thankfully she got tired of watching Jaws while holding hands in his bed and moved on to bigger and hotter things.
3. Cady & Aaron
It might seem like a surprising choice because Mean Girls is our fucking religion. But if you actually think about it, Aaron only liked Cady when she was a mathlete and then when she actually became a betch he was like “Nah, that’s that shit I don’t like,” even though he’d just dated Regina who is the queen of the betches and basically like, invented her…and only once Cady became a nice girl again did Aaron jump back on that bandwagon. Total nice guy. We all know Damien was the biggest betch anyway.
2. Olivia & Fitz
Olivia is a betch for sure but home-wrecking is in no way betchy, especially when you’re the hottest girl in Washington and you have the pick of LITERALLY any pro you want. Smh Olivia, should've married Edison while you had the chance. Aside from that their entire relationship is one big fucking power struggle that ends in screaming monologues and them telling each other what they can and can’t do…like if that’s love I guess Bobby & Whitney had it right after all. I swear if I have to hear one of them shout, “LOOK AT ME!” one more time I’m gonna go play in traffic.
1. Twilight: Where the fuck do I even start?
I’m embarrassed to even admit I know enough about Twilight to write about it, but whatever. Edward and Bella are totally the worst couple of all time (of all time!!) and def the absolute worst example for 13-year-old girls of what a healthy relationship looks. Protip: if someone openly admits to wanting to kill you 24/7, DON’T marry him. Also this whole “Omg this boy is my everything and I would be absolutely nothing without him” shit has got to stop. Romeo & Juliet came out centuries ago, why haven’t we moved on from this weak ass bullshit? Calm the fuck down. Kindly clean up that puddle on the floor you’ve melted into and grow a spine and quit giving women everywhere a bad name.
This list is by no means comprehensive, it’s just all I could think of while shadily trying to pretend to do work today. Leave your faves in the comments section which is my way of saying “I know someone’s gonna have a BF (bitch fit, get your “White Chicks” game up to speed) about the fact that I didn’t include Catniss or that bitch from Divergent or, like, Snooki, so do you.”