January 18, 2013
On the occasion of the most patriotic holiday of the year, we took this opportunity to honor the men and power lesbians who have made America the great betch she is today. While there have been centuries of debate over our greatest leaders, we've ranked the nation's commanders-in-chief on the qualities that really matter: how likely we would be to have sex with them.
Below are our top five candidates for the most and least fuckable presidents. Please note that this list has absolutely nothing to do with their stances on actual world issues or other boring shit like wars or poverty. Maybe you won't agree, but that's what the comments section is for.
1. JFK: Not only was he the youngest president in history, he was also undeniably the hottest and shadiest. It's said of JFK that he would get migraines unless he fucked a new betch every day. Then he died, talk about hard to get. On top of that, the power-couple of JFK and oversized sunglasses icon Jackie O created JFK Jr—the world’s hottest child to come from the White House. Ask not what your country can do for you, but ask who you can do for your country.
2. Bill Clinton: This bro knew that the key to keeping your head in the game was getting good head from your staff. With the help of MonnyLew’s powerful daily BJs he was able to serve 2 terms, survive scary Barbara Walters' interviews, and invent a new, convenient definition of sexual relations. Props for doing all that while betrothed to avid scrunchie supporter Hillary Clinton.
3. George Washington: GW set the biggest, most important trend in our nation’s history up until Tamagotchis: creating and ruling a fucking country. This pro literally started the country that today stands as the global leader in capitalism and iced coffee. Fucking duh. GW not only got every school, bridge, library, etc named after him, but he also began the classic American legacy of rebelling against your mother when she doesn't give you everything you want. From chopping down trees to convincing thirteen fucking colonies to go apeshit because of a tax on imported chai tea, Washington showed that there was only one George to be respected in the Americas and that it was El Presidente. Also, we heard from sources that he had fake teeth made from elephant tusks instead of cheap ass wood like everyone else. Suck on that, PETA.
4. Ronald Reagan: Reagan is a regulation hottie. He was a stand-up comedian before he ventured into politics and had previously served as governor of Cali, so we know he smoked blunts daily. I mean... there's literally no other way a dumb actor bro could come up with ALL of Reaganomics from scratch.
5. Zachary Taylor: ZT has the betchiest name ever. Zachary Taylor. That’s like two first names: one being trendy and unisex, and the other being Zachary. In the grand betchy tradition of #2 not keeping up with the news, Zach never voted for a president and didn’t go to college, so we'll credit him with the abbrev IDGAF.
Honorable Mention: John Quincy Adams
We would also like to give Honorable Betch Mention to JQA because 1) we heard he regularly skinny-dipped in the Potomac and 2) he's a legacy.
Five Most Unfuckable Presidents
1. Abraham Lincoln: This guy was one tall ass motherfucker. Coming in at 6’3, Lincoln was the first president to be assassinated yet still only managed to get his face onto a bill that rarely even makes the cut for doing lines. He only owned one house throughout his entire lifetime and his wife was a fucking nutcase. And let’s be real, with a nickname like “Honest Abe” one can only imagine the plethora of nicegirls swarming his waistline on a daily basis.
2. Thomas Jefferson: Jefferson spoke like 6 different languages and also took it upon himself to write the entire fucking Declaration of Independence so clearly he was TTH. Plus, he had red hair which made it obvious that he was impregnating his slaves regularly. It was overheard on the underground railroad that his plantation was infested with black-ginger babies. Nuff said.
3. FDR: This bro took YOPO to a new level when he decided to let himself be president for 4 terms. While this may seem badass and insanely betchy, we'd never touch FDR because he was clearly horrible in bed.
4. Herbert Hoover: ...because that Hooverville was disgusting. Save the community housing for the projects. Wikipedia tells us that Hoover learned Chinese so he could have private convos with his wifey. Because Cantonese is the language of love. Seriously who does that? Was Pig Latin not top secret enough? Like what could possibly be THAT important? Ling Ling you forgot your bling bling!
5. Richard Nixon: Much like that extremely drunk bro who escorts himself out of the club before the bouncer can, Nixon took his tape recorder and his hyperactive sweat glands and bounced the Oval O. before he could get impeached. To prove how absolutely worthless he was as president, he recommended plays to the Miami Dolphins at Super Bowl VI during his term. I mean, come on. Don’t you have more important things to do like attending late-night talk shows, or posing for billboards in Times Square?
Honorable Unfuckable President: William Howard Taft
Way to get stuck in a fucking bathtub and have yourself remembered as the fattest president to ever exist. Gives new meaning to The Biggest Loser.