The Top Qualities To Look For In Betchy Neighbors

By Sgt. Olivia Betchson

A big part of betch life that doesn't get the attention it deserves on this site (I mean, how could we, when Ariana Grande is out there acting like a fucking weirdo), is living. And I mean that in the most literal sense: like, where we go to nap, pregame, and not fuck bros. In other words, where a betch lives is really fucking important. We've talked about how to find a place, and how to decorate it like a betch, but we've never really discussed arguably the most important part about house hunting (I'm going to say "apartment hunting" from now on because I know none of you are 35 or have gotten your IUD removed): your neighbors.

Picking the right neighbors is crucial because they can really make or break the next twelve months for you. Take it from me, my roomie and I almost got thrown in a French prison because our neighbors had a stick up their ass (and a small baby, but whatevs). That was maybe an exaggeration but you get the point. I hope you're reading this, temporary neighbors whose names I never bothered to learn. You fucked up my wine and cheese night three years ago and I haven't forgotten about it.

But uh, back to my point, though. You need to make sure that the people living around you will agree with your betchy lifestyle. Look for the following criteria:


I mean, fucking duh. You might luck out with a middle-aged divorcee in the throes of his midlife crisis who needs someone to accompany him on his new yacht, but like, probs not. The odds are more in your favor if you stick with people your own age.


If you have the opportunity (idk why it would necessarily come up, but if you have the opportunity), check out what your neighbors are driving. It might give you some insight into their personalities, or it might cause you to make snap judgments about their character based on material possessions. Either way, information is information.


Find out what they do for a living. If they're a student, find out what their major is. If they're employed in anything finance, become their best friend—at least, that's what I learned from Wolf of Wall Street. If they're in med school, hope to God they're not the type of person who can study in their own apartment because that's literally all they do.

Once you find a place to live, you have to get on your neighbors' good side ASAP before you have your first like, right after you move in. Nice Girls would bake their neighbors a cake or some shit but that's obviously not happening so here are some betchy alternatives:

- Offer them a beer. This is as much of a nice gesture as it is a litmus test. If your neighbors don't drink, break your lease, only reasonable option.

- Be quiet on your first night. There's a reason most people don't have their house-warming parties the same day they move in: because you want the people around you to think you're normal and sweet until it's too late for them to get out. And like bc you'll be wiped after telling your movers where to put your shit all day, but mostly the first one.

- Invite them to your parties. That way if they call the cops on you, you'll know it's bc they're assholes and not bc they're jealous. -Try not to burn your whole complex down with your shitty cooking. Or if you do, make sure your renter's insurance policy covers "fire by ramen."

If all goes well, you could add some new besties to your circle (one of the few scenarios in which branching out is acceptable because in this case, it's a survival tactic). If it all goes to shit, well, you could prob start a blog about how much your neighbors suck and get famous that way.





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