August 29, 2012
Not every bestie group is so lucky to have the delusional dater and the comic relief they provide. Betches love having a DD around. They're so fucking funny and since we're always bored, they are the ideal entertainment. The DD consistently produces hilarious moments because although they're completely clueless as to the true status of their relationships, everybody else knows exactly what the fuck is going on. That being nothing. If you're unlucky enough to NOT have DD in your group to make fun of, here are 10 fictional ones that can entertain with their tales of the stop and chat that turned into the
prey man of their dreams.
10. Jessica Smith, Laguna Beach
As our only non-ficitonal list member, Jessica manages to be a delusional dater throughout the entirety of her appearances on Laguna Beach. From her obsession with Jason Wahler, even while he was dating Alex M (or was it Alex H.? Whatevs) to that random guy who took her to prom and also made out with Kristin to delusionally dating Cameron who was 2 years younger than her, Jessica never fails to look like the most pathetic character on the show.
9. Rose Dawson Calvert - Titanic - As you can see from our Titanic Post, a closer look at what appears to be a love story proves quite the contrary. Jack was just trying to fuck Rose, who delusionally assumed they were getting married. Jack had to go so far as to die in order to get out of the grips of Rose's ready-to-get-married like, now claws. Note: Jack never says he loves her throughout the entirety of the film.
Rose: When the ship docks, I'm getting off with you.
Jack: This is crazy.
Rose: I know. It doesn't make any sense. That's why I trust it.
Rose: I love you, Jack.
Jack: Don't you do that, don't say your good-byes. Not yet, do you understand me?
8. Laney Boggs, She's all That
Is she a bet? Is she a FUCKING BET? Um, yeah. Fucking duh. We're sure Freddy Prinze Jr. would actually think you were half as hot as Taylor Vaughn with your bushy eyebrows and depressing paintings no matter how good you were at hackey sack or how many amazing makeovers Sookie Stackhouse gives you. Note: Second quote is from Not Another Teen Movie.
Laney Boggs: Am I a bet? Am I a FUCKING BET?
Jake: So listen, you ever wondered what it'd be like to be the most popular girl in school?
Janey: You mean anorexic, superficial, a bitch, a whore who lacks any real long-term goals?
Jake: Uhhh ha ha... exactly. So, if you're interested, I thought that maybe we could go out sometime, be seen in public together.
Janey: You haven't spoken to me in, like, four years Jake.
Jake: Actually, it's more like six, because the time you're referring to when we were standing in line at that movie theater, I was actually saying "hey" to the person right behind you.
7. Cady Heron, Mean Girls
Cady morphs into an evil plastic, thinking all of a sudden everyone forgot that she was a home schooled jungle freak who was a less hot version of Regina. Now she thinks Janis and Aaron Samuels are both in love with her. Okay, so they both come around but that doesn't mean she wasn't under the delusion that everyone didn't hate her.
Cady: You know what! It's not my fault you're like, in love with me, or something!
Damian: Oh, no, she did not!
Janis: See? That's the thing with you plastics. You think everybody is in love with you when actually, everybody HATES you! Like, Aaron Samuels, for example, he broke up with Regina and guess what? He still doesn't want you! So why are you still messing with Regina, Cady? I'll tell you why, because you are a mean girl! You're a bitch!
6. Joseph Gordon-Levitt, (Tom Hansen in 500 Days of Summer & Cameron James in 10 Things I hate about you)
Talk about being typecast, J Levs just can't catch a break. From being used as a nice guy to do Bianca's work in 10 Things I Hate About You to his pathetic attempts to date the much hotter Summer in 500 Days, Joey could use some tips how how to act like more of a shady asshole bro.
Summer: We've been like Sid and Nancy for months now.
Tom: Summer, Sid stabbed Nancy, seven times with a kitchen knife, I mean we have some disagreements but I hardly think I'm Sid Vicious.
Summer: No I'm Sid.
Tom: Oh, so I'm Nancy...
Summer: Let's just eat and we'll talk about it later. Mmm, that is good, I'm really glad we did this. I love these pancakes... what?
[Tom gets up and walks away from the table]
Summer: Tom, don't go! You're still my best friend!
5. Tai Frasier, Clueless - did you really think you could date Elton? Do you even know who his father is!? You may have had a makeover but one dance to Rolling with the Homies does not a boyfriend make. Stick to Travis Birkenstock. He's way more on your level and he'll be seeing you around, we hope not sporadically.
4. Alex Forrest, Fatal Attraction - Okay we get it. Michael Douglas is hot. But that doesn't mean you have to boil innocent bunny rabbits to prove that point. Note to Glenn Close: a guy fucking you one time does not mean he's going to leave his wife for you. That takes at least like 6 months and 4 expensive gifts. Fucking duh.
Alex Forrest: [to Dan] Well, what am I supposed to do? You won't answer my calls, you change your number. I mean, I'm not gonna be ignored, Dan!
Dan Gallagher: Why are you trying to hurt me?
Alex Forrest: I'm not trying to hurt you Dan, I love you!
Dan Gallagher: You what?
Alex Forrest: I love you!
Dan Gallagher: You don't even know me
Alex Forrest: How can you say that?
3. Kelly Kapoor, The Office - Kelly's unrequited Love for Ryan Howard is hysterical, but towards the end of the series she gets her shit together, realizing all it takes to get Ryan to want to be with her is to date an Indian doctor. Our only issue with her is why she would even be in love with a temp with TDS.
Kelly: [telling Jim what to say to Ryan] Just tell him that I'm up for anything, I'm mean I'm not a slut but who knows ...
Kelly Kapoor: So I received my first Valentine from a secret admirer.
[opens envelope and reads from card]
Kelly Kapoor: Roses are red, violets are blue. It's time for your dental cleaning and maybe a checkup, too.
Kelly Kapoor: Ultimatums are key. Basically nobody does anything for me anymore unless I threaten to kill myself.
2. Madison Bell, Swimfan - "No one will ever love you like I do" - I don't know about that, psycho. Now get out of the pool and put your fucking bra back on before Jesse Bradford agrees to star in Bring It On 2.
Madison: It's nice to finally meet your mother.
Ben: What do you mean finally? You just met me.
1. Gigi Phillips, He's Just Not That into You - The quintessential DD, Gigi gets the help of Justin Long in her efforts to cure her horrible case of delusions. Gigi literally defines the statement "he's just not that into you" and the only unrealistic thing about this movie is that Alex would ever even consider dating this sad, sad nutcase.
Gigi: Ok, Ok. Exhibit A. Chad the drummer who lived in a storage space. He only used me for rides and yet I continued to stalk him for most of 1998. Then oh, um, there was Don, that broke up with me every Friday so that he could have his weekends free. I was delusional about that relationship. I used to refer to him as my husband to random people, like my dental hygienist. Anyway, all my friends used to tell me about how things might work out with these dipsticks because they knew someone, who knew someone, who dated a dipstick just like mine. That girl ended up getting married and living happily ever after. That the exception and we're not the exception we're the rule.
Honorable Mention: Josie Geller, Never Been Kissed - She might not be Josie Grossie anymore, but she's still a loser at heart. Watching her get egged before the prom by Billy was actually like, kind of sad. We'd almost feel bad if she weren't so painfully delusional as to not understand that by senior year of high school braces are never okay.