Make Your Own Trader Joe’s Cowboy Bark And Avoid The Hipsters

By Betchy Crocker

Are you tired of wading through throngs of hipster moms and far-too-ironic dudes in Trader Joe's? Do you shudder at the thought of the parking lot, full of Priuses, with their smug hippie drivers? But you tell yourself these trials and tribulations are well worth it because, well, Trader Joe's has really delicious shit; namely, that chocolate bark. Even more specifically, the cowboy bark.

Give me a chocolate bark covered in Oreos, pretzels, peanuts, almonds, and toffee, or give me death. Thankfully, you no longer have to face the dying inside that comes with going to TJ’s … make this fucking bark at home.



  • 16 ounces dark chocolate - we used Lindt because we’re fucking fancy
  • 1 1/3 cups mini pretzels
  • 8 Oreos, chopped
  • 1/3 cup toffee bits
  • 1/3 cup roasted and lightly salted peanuts, chopped
  • 1/3 cup roasted and lightly salted almonds, chopped
  • Sea salt for sprinkling
  • Add in extra nuts, dried fruit—wtf ever—depending how crazy you’re feeling


Grab a baking tray and line it with parchment paper. Set that shit aside. Chop the chocolate and place in a microwave-safe bowl. Heat on high and melt for about 2 minutes, stopping every 15 seconds or so to stir. You don’t want this shit to burn, obv.

Stir all that shit until it’s totes smooth, then pour on to the parchment-lined baking sheet. Smooth it with a spatula until it’s about 1/8 inch thick. Literally, now all you have to do is sprinkle allllllll those extra goodies on top: the pretzels, Oreos, toffee, peanuts, almonds, and salt. Set the whole baking sheet aside or, better yet, in the fridge, for about an hour.

Once it’s set, break into pieces and eat until you can’t feel feelings anymore.

eat my feelings




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