January 13, 2015
There’s the transformation Tuesday betches talk about when their former besties from high school get fat in college and try to post old pictures of themselves from senior week. Everyone knows you no longer fit into that Victoria Secret’s bikini and have picked up a habit of having Domino’s for dinner every night so you’re really not fooling anyone.
This type of transformation allows for mild entertainment when a betch feels shitty about herself after drunk texting her ex for the second weekend in a row. At least you’re not sad AND fat.
After getting bored of staring at this girl’s growing beer gut, you realize you forgot to unfollow that guy from your senior calculus class. He was the reason you actually graduated with the rest of your friends so you decided to grant him the privilege of being followed by you on Instagram. He went to some Ivy League school so when you found out you passed Calc you never spoke to him again. Big fucking mistake because now he’s hotter than Nick Jonas in his Calvin Klein ads.
Suddenly he’s all you ever wanted because not only is hot AF, he also goes to like, Yale and is 100% in the doctor/lawyer/investment banker/engineer category that must be fulfilled if a bro wants to be your husband. He probably somehow has figured out a way to be all those professions at once.
Keep in mind this guy isn’t the one who was kind of in your friend group and who you sometimes made out with at parties when your number #1 backburner bro was acting shady. This backup option could be hotter now, but he more than likely still possesses the personality of a vanilla wafer so don’t try to turn him into the chocolate sundae you so wish he could be.
This transformation Tuesday bro we’re talking about could have been the valedictorian, but you constantly forgot his name except when you forgot how to find the derivatives of natural logarithms. You never saw him outside the halls of the math wing, but now you suddenly wish you had.
You might feel dumb for making this mistake, but betches don’t have regrets (except on Sunday mornings) so the only thing to do is move on and try to create an opportunity when you guys might cross paths at home. Don’t be creepy and desperate and message him on Facebook or whatever (your high school reunion probably isn’t happened for another 7 years so you seriously have no excuse to contact him).
Since he’s hot now he definitely leaves his Java code writing at home for a couple hours and hits the bars when home for a holiday or a weekend. Your besties don’t need a reason to blackout so hit the bar with them and “casually” run into him. Thank him for helping you graduate on time (people like when you remember nice shit they did for you) and offer to buy him a drink/coffee/whatever sometime to thank him for all his mathematical wisdom back in the day.
Since betches have always claimed to hate nice guys, you need to consider this newly hot bro may still be too nice deep down, just like he was in high school. This could be too much for a betch to handle, but it might also be time that you realize while being shady keeps betches interested, it doesn’t always show potential to funding the lifestyle you enjoy AKA buying expensive shit and not doing work, a contradiction in itself. Daddy won’t always pay for your Louboutins – give this transformation Tuesday a chance.