July 2, 2012
This week on True Blood everyone finally returned home to Bon Temps. And good times they were as Sookie had her first real "Mean Girls" moment, and former Betch of the Week Pam lost her shit and started showing some serious emotion.
We started off the episode with Tara trying to get even tanner despite the fact we all know she's quite dark enough. Disappointingly, Pam comes to her rescue, letting her know that black people don't burn in the sun and that she shouldn't try that shit again.
Speaking of Pam, she's clearly having a mid century life crisis as she discovers her boyfriend/maker Eric is totally over her. Like, Pam stop acting like such a desperate loser. We swear her next line would have been. "Answer my texts or release me!" Finally Eric let's her go with a very "it's not you, it's me" speech. No Pam, it is in fact you. You're a stage 5 clinger and Eric is clearly over it but he hopes you'll be very happy with your new lesbian child, Tara. Tara is way too depressed and suicidal to handle. I need to take some Prozac just watching this bitch. It also really annoyed us when she wouldn't just eat the woman it's like, you're already a lesbian...stop being such a pussy.
Sookie realizes that she is in fact Regina George. "I'm a life ruiner. I ruin people's lives," she tells some other character we forgot. She decides to celebrate the end of her nicegirl tendencies by getting drunk and playing out music like this were a scene out of Bridget Jones Diary except if Bridget weren't fat. Also instead of eating ice cream and crying over Hugh Grant she decides to fuck Alcide and tell him that it's not her fault he's like in love with her or something. Speaking of which, how does Sookie afford all this alcohol? She's a fucking waitress that works like twice a month and plans her shifts around when she's not fucking mythical creatures.
Honestly, we tuned out for most of Bill's plot this episode besides the fact that he and Eric were disturbing peeping Toms watching Sook make out
with a werewolf through her window. It's like you're vampires. Get a life and stop stalking this one gap-toothed fairy. Bill did however, reaffirm to us that is still the King of Louisiana...and quality Ganja.
In some weird plot-line that we don't understand, Andy and Jason decided to pretend they were Paul Rudd and Seth Rogan in Knocked up and shroom and go see
Cir que du Soleil Fairy Land.
Finally, we ended the episode with the slaying of a douchey little vamp boy and Jason's realization that vampires, not a freak flash Louisiana flood killed the Stackhouse parents. We have to wonder when HBO started stealing its story-lines from Vampire Diaries. It's like, the whole 'your parents didn't die in the same way you thought they did' story is soooo played out. Now Jason can finally understand where he got that
lightning shaped scar on his forehead penchant for fucking anything with a pulse. Ah true blood, it's time to step your shit up. Until next week, fang bangers.
Oh, and the quote of the night:
Pam on Tara: "Seriously 3 days old and she has an eating disorder. Why me?"