True Blood Recap: This Show Sucks

By The Betches

So maybe I don’t fully know what the fuck is going on in this episode because I’m still coming down from my booze induced week long July 4th Hamptons coma, but like holy shit was it fucking confusing. For a second I seriously questioned what kind of drugs are being taken in that writing room, and where can I get some. Yeah we love us some fang bangin’ but this episode took a serious dive in the direction of “Why the fuck am I still watching this shit?" I had to call up my closet-nerd friend just to figure out this whole Lilith wrote the vampire bible, sanguanista thinks humans are like sangria, rise of Russell, apartheid sucks back plot. Anyways, once my addy kicked in, I was able to like focus for a second and make a few keen observations:

So now that Sookie has fully realized she's a mean girl, this episode begins with her owning it by trying to prove to the audience that she's not a fugly nicegirl. Shes about to give a serious BJ then gets too fucked up and voms. Been there. Wish I had done that. Not only does Sookie drink high calorie mixed drinks (she honestly mixed peach schnapps and amaretto together), but she also can't hold her liquor. Like if you're lucky enough to fuck Joe Manganiello, which in real life she would never be, could you not be so fucking sloppy? There are so many things I would do to that dick, but vomiting on it would not be one of them. Also both of her exes walk in, bloody awkward, she drunk cries about how her life is a joke, and then gets beer muscles and hunts down a 3000 year old vamp.

Jason has by far the scariest drug dream I've ever seen: his parents getting eaten by vampires while his mom talks to him about blowjobs. I mean no wonder he never went to college, we feel bad for this sad, beautiful sex fiend. 

So Pam lets Tara raid her closet in an ode to Tai from Clueless, although Tara is still fucking clueless and only looks slightly less dykey. You could be a bartender in those clothes. When she and Jessica are like gay boy drunk bonding over Trevor Foundation allegories, I legit wanted to vom out my pinot.

Can we also just discuss how no one fucking gives a shit about Terry or Hoyt? The fact that both of them are bat shit crazy bumpkins and are on the fast train to like dying tragically is only slightly more depressing than Sookie sleeping her way to lower-middle class. Why do these bitches even give a shit to fight over Hoyt? I mean if different people’s blood has different tastes then why would you even want to suck a construction worker? He looks like J-Pop America Fun Time Now or like a really big homo-huruu.

They enlist an obese blue-collar worker and form a botched up Scooby Doo squad to search for Russell. Obviously the fat parking lot attendant has never been to NYC, and even if he did one day make it there, he would probs spend all of his time in like Time Square. Eric then goes on to crush his dreams, "New York City smells like pee and the people are rude." We then find out that Russell isn’t a barbequed sack of meat anymore. Sorry Russ, but you may have been more attractive before you healed. I thought actors were supposed to be hot. He’s all like “give me your best shot" which may have been confusing for waitress Sookie who was most likely like “Well our Irish Car Bombs are pretty good."

Sookie was hungover the entire episode, so basically she was twice as annoying. "I have a headache. I need to pee something fierce. So let's get out of here." While on the topic of Sook, she is starting to be the absolute definition of TTH as the guys girl. I can just imagine the set when they're filming. Alexander Skarsgaard rolling his eyes watching Anna Paquin as she sobs while practicing her Southern Accent. Stephen Moyer gently rubs her back lying to her: You're doing great honey. You're going to be a star one day. The only reason she can pass as Southerner is her fucked up teeth and all the fucking plaid the props department puts in her house.

Pam continues to be the star of the show, choking stupid vamp-Tara and explaining how her bar is more important than her child. Tara then realizes that her lot in life will always be that of annoying supporting character and asks "So basically I'm your slave"...  ya sorry honey, seems like the south hasn't changed much.

Quotes of the Night


Pam: "You actually look half decent.
Tara: "If I wanted to look like a drag queen, I would have raided Lafayette’s closet. “
Us: You will never look half as good as Lafayette, bitch.

Pam later threatening her annoying lesbo vamp-daughter: "I saved your fucking life and lent you some truly exquisite clothes. But if you ever do anything to mess with Fangtasia, I will silver you and stick you in a coffin until the next millennium."

Random hanging victim in the meat locker proves that torture can bring out betchiness in even the least likely of people: "Please, don’t take me. It’s not my time. I’m too skinny. I was on Atkins and I lost 40 pounds. Take the others, please, please. Fatties first."




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