True Blood Recap: Tarsmanian Devil

By The Betches

We would like to start off by saying thank you to the producers of True Blood. If it wasn't for you, we wouldn't have gotten such a serious ab workout from laughing so hard at the joke that is Tara. Seriously though, she's like a Tasmanian devil with a weave, running around Sookie's house knocking over refrigerators for no fucking reason. During her psychotic, anti-appliance vampire breakdown, all I was thinking was when is Lafayette going to turn to Sookie and say, 'She's an angry elf!'

Tara is so much more annoying as a vampire, couldn't they have just let her head be blown off and call it a day? I mean who knows, maybe she would have a better time in the after life? Couldn't you see her starting a hot little summer fling with Gran? Totes.

true bloodCrouching Tiger Hidden Tara

But enough about enraged lesbians, it's now time to talk about Pam. Even during her human life she was so fucking cool, like she WOULD be the madam of a brothel and she WOULD have a coke ring and she WOULD say If I ever meet a lady, I'll let her know. We don't really remember what this was in reference to, but who gives a shit. Pam, so badass right now, Pam.

And how about the Authority. Sure we can make any Law and Order joke right now but we'd rather hold off and comment on the fact that the Authority is just like that evil spa in Zoolander, and the main bitch is Catinka. KILL THE PRIME MINISTER OF MALAYSIA! King of Louisiana! I mean, how fucking chic was their prison? Sporadic tanning seshes and really hot bros in adjacent jail cells, The Situation would have a field day.

The main Authority man was so PO'd, the whole time I just wanted to be like, U mad bro? Their torture techinque was stupid, they could have seriously benefited from watching a few episodes of Homeland before they began their interrogation because they were the worst interrogators 2012. Okay Eric, we killed your sister and we let Bill free, so now tell us all your information. Why the fuck would he tell you anything if you ALREADY killed his sister-lover, it makes less sense than the entire Terry plot line, and that shit is fooking confusing. But more importantly, why is Doogie Howser on the council?


It's really hard to even remember what happened on this show because shit is always going down. Like, Reverend stop trying to buy Jason. Jessica, stop having house parties and inviting the same four town sluts. And Jason, stop calling Hoyt Bubba. Arlene, stop marrying psychos. And Sam, stop annoying the shit out of me.

Favorite line:

Andy: I had sex...

Jason: Welcome to the club!

Of all the crazy shit that occurred during last night, our favorite hands down was when Reverend Steve Nolin crashed Jessica's party while showing off the dance moves we can only imagine he picked up from Eugene Levy in American Pie. And you know what's an even bigger joke? Russell Edgington. After seeing that last scene, I think it's pretty obvious that the True Blood makeup artist got their supplies from a Harry Potter prop discount yard sale, Voldemort section.




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