True Blood Recap: Four Babies and a Little Billith

By The Betches

So this week was the finale of what was undisputably the worst season of True Blood yet. But that doesn't mean we're giving up on what was once our favorite show and we have to admit that this episode kept us entertained.

true blood recapI have a black hoodie on so you know I'm legit.

As Andy became a dad, Sam became a fly and then a human and then a fly again, and Alcide became the only remaining character we'd be willing to have sex with, we found ourself mainly focusing on thoughts of what big little week would be like in the Eric/Nora/Pam/tara/Godric sorority lineage.

And now a note on the wardrobe selection from last night:  Why does Pam look like she just got out of filming a scene from Grease 2? Where did Sookie get her flamboyant fairy Cabaret outfit? Why does Lafayette look like he should be braiding hair at Sandals Jamaica? Why is HBO under the impression that anyone wants to see Sam naked?

So after some weird intensive sodium intake, Andy's fairy mistress gives birth to the four cleanest fairy babies in the world and it led us to wonder why the fuck every single significant event in history happens at Merlotte's. You'd think this was Studio 54 instead of some hick bar. Like how many deadly showdowns, weddings, multiple births, and murders have to happen In Merlotte's before someone decides to open another fucking restaurant in this town?

Everyone got to play out their movie themed fantasies. Jason got to jump around with his ghost dad like he was Haley Joel Osment in the Sixth Sense thrown into the plot of Mr. and Mrs. Smith while Eric and Nora reenacted the Matrix, complete with black body suits and me not knowing what the fuck was going on.

Pam and Tara making out was bound to happen, as entertainment media never fails to show us that two angry embittered women will inevitably become angry embittered lesbians.

Finally, during a deadly, Shakespearean encounter with his BFF Salami, Bill teaches her a lesson about getting all the evils of getting high and mighty. We then learn that Salami + imitation Lillith sauce = no good. But thank god Bill takes over as the new bloody naked guy, ugly naked guy from Friends' thinner brother. Really though, what kind of cliffhanger was that? Now we're going to have to wait a year just to see Biil's bloody balls?

It was clear that last night, the entire town of Bon Temps is starting to lose their hard on for Queen Bee Sookie Stackhouse due to these epic quotes:

Pam: Must all roads lead to fucking Sookie?

Eric: Do NOT feed on Sookie.
Nora: What is she!?
Eric: She is a waitress.

Sookie: Bill this isn't you!
Bill: What the fuck do you know about me?

Jessica: Because according to their vampire bible Sookie's an abomination
Pam: Maybe there's something to this religon after all

Until next year True Blood fans. Hopefully now that Anna Paquin is no longer knocked up with twins, we will get back to what True Blood was really about.: an impending orgy between Sookie, Bill, Alcide, and Eric.




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