True Blood Recap: RIP Abuelo

By The Betches

There is only one word that can describe last nights episode of True Blood and that word is WILD. Honestly, just when we thought Tara was in the lead for the award for worst life ever, Lafayette rolls in with this bruja shit and steals the fucking gold medal. Can't say I would be the happiest girl in the world if everywhere I went I saw the rotting head of my dead boyfriend. And what is with Abuelos's obsession with sewing lips, like go sew a fucking blanket dude, leave Lafa's lips alone! It's like you think you're going for a cheap Mexican shave but then he get a little more than he bargained for.

In other news, Tara has taken up pole dancing. Seriously though, If i wanted to watch a butch woman prance around in an enclosed space I'd turn on women's wrestling or the Real Housewives of New Jersey, but I do admire her new weave. Find a new protégé PAM. We couldn't help but laugh when Tara's crazy alcoholic mom disowned her, I mean, yeah that sucks but can you really blame her?... It's Tara.

Pam, where's you get your hair crimped? The Asian booth at the mall? But seriously, you look like Aslan.

Let's discuss Sookie. Oh wait, no one gives a shit. I feel like we're being water boarded with pointless plots. Sookie's depleting luminescence...Andy Bellefleur's lack of confidence for sheriffdom...I've seen more scandalous story lines on Barney.

All these crazy hateful Americans with incredibly easy access to guns seems a bit right here, right now but what's with the black guy named Tyreese in the Christian hate group, making it seem like the electronics store workers from 40 Year Old Virgin. Is it just me or are hate groups supposed to be like, really racist?

Anyway, Sam being on the police force may have been one of the funniest things I've ever seen. When he was sniffing away for the rubber masks like Courtney Stodden does for cocaine while rolling around on the floor I was legit peeing in my pants. I'm going to boycott the Academy if Sam doesn't win the Emmy for Best Dog.

Alcide is the Nancy Reagan of True Blood: Just say no to V. No really though, he's been killin' it lately, but we're a little nervous for his were-battle. Just because he has chiseled abs and perfect features doesn't mean he too cannot die in a freak wolf fight accident.

And lastly, mother fucking Lilith. As much as I appreciated Lilith's vag in face for three long minutes, she could have at least done us all a favor and gotten a Brazilian wax. But it was amazing to watch Bill and Eric rolling face while giving each other piggy back rides acting like they were at Ultra and screaming to people who don't care that THESE STREETS ARE YOURS NO LONGER!

Has anyone ever noticed that people keep misprouncing the main Sanguinista vampire lady's name. Everyone keeps calling her "Sala-mé" when really it's just salami.

Quote of the night:

Nora: Join us, please!

Eric: Never, you bible banging cunt.




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