July 16, 2012
We're going to break tradition by not starting this recap of True Blood by shitting on Tara fucking Thornton because she, thank God, only had a small part. Even though this part was still extremely annoying we'll refrain mainly because Sookie was like, WAY worse. When she said "I'm just gonna stay here and quietly slip into a coma" we were like, yeah we wish. Everything on this show would be a lot better.
Actually, scratch our last statement, we're not sure anything can really salvage this show at this point. Currently the only redeeming quality of True Blood is Alcide's body and we're not even sure how long the mesmerizing effect of his bare abs will last. All the men have gradually been transforming into females. Sam has been a woman all along but after seeing him in that hospital gown I swear he looked like little red riding hood's grandma. Hoyt looks like Fred Flinstone, Eric's penis is shrinking by the minute, and Jason has already shape shifted into a fucking vagina.
But really, are the writers ever going to be like, that's enough with this super natural shit. Like, vampires, fairies, shifters, werewolves, werepanthers, meth-panthers, Tara...and now this fucking smoke demon. Did the smoke monster on Lost feel like it's been out of the spot light for too long and just HAD to make a cameo at the Bon Temps party?
And now all the humans are out to get the shifters! NO! TAKE MY EYES BUT NOT THE SHIFTERS! We were so hopeful that Sam was dead you know, when he was shot, but nope! He's alive and kicking, running around town doing righteous shit that no one ever asked him to do. Do everyone a favor and go back to Merlotte's or like, Best in Show.
On the topic of True Blood stealing shit from other entertainment media, how about those Obama masked shooters...The Town anyone? Where are Ben Affleck's terrible boston accent and an oxy addicted Blake Lively when you need them?
And why is fairy land a gay cabaret again? And why are Jason and Sookie JUST finding out about the real way their parents died? Who dies in floods anyway, like besides people from New Orleans and the Japanese? Whatevs, the fairy bartender's accent was hot. But in the I can't understand what you're saying but wouldn't mind having sex with you kind of way.
Finally, let's talk about Lilith. Eric couldn't have said it better, "Lilith can fucking blow me." I'm like sooo over Lilith but I wouldn't be surprised if she casually shows with a stolen plot line from Gossip Girl and was like I am the messiah..and Sookie I AM your mother.
Quotes of the night:
Lafayette's mom: Have you been smokin' that bong lately? Jesus loves the little faggots!
Law and Order Authority guy on killing Russell: I want to execute him tonight, I want to hit the links before sunrise.
Russell Edgington: Peace is for pussies!
Either way, the ending was wack, Russell Edgington is fugly, and tara is still an angry lesbian.