True Blood Recap: I Wanna Dance With The Elder

By The Betches

If all the boobs and vag I saw on True Blood last night weren't all B cups I swear I would have thought I accidentally DVRed Cathouse 6: Bloody Bitches. It's just that I am so over Lilith and her bushy crotch, and Sam Merlotte's ass is so 2010. But we must admit, the way Lilith was fucking around with all the vamps was hysterical, she has so many special effects she should have her own ride at Universal. She's trying to make everyone think they're Queen B until they all kill each other and she rises as the true Queen V. Lilith can be betch of the week, but not until she puts on some clothes or like a loin cloth.

true blood recapSparkle, in theaters now!

Last night we learned that vampires 'nest' or become psychopaths if they live in close quarters. This makes a lot of sense, kind of like a bros living in a frat house or a girls bunk in camp. We live together, we bleed together!

We were also introduced to a new character, the Elder. Unfortunately due to her stupidity and severe case of ADHD she failed miserably at expelling Russell Edgington with her hand night lights. Somebody get this bitch some Elderall. Also, did anyone else think that during her bout of interpretive dance she was going to break out in 'I'm Every Woman?' Or like, I Will Survive. Too bad she didn't, I was really looking forward to watch some more of her Elaine Benes inspired moves next week.

Also, why is the Authority harboring every supernatural cast member on this show in their little jail cell? And why can't Sam and Luna shift into flies and zoom through the holes in the fence? Whatevs, party in cell block D.

Even though we hate Pam for saving Tara's life, we'll get over it only because we now know that Tara and Pam will not be lesbian lovers, or at least we hope not. If that shit goes down I'll be more confused than I was in AP European history. FREE PAM.

true blood recapSide Pony Sunday

Pam's epic lines:

"I find most vampires almsot as irriating as most vamps" 

"Totally maybe later we can braid each others hair and talk about boys... fucking baby vamps"

"Don't play games with me you little ginger bitch"

Pam: Who the fuck is Luna?

Other epic lines:

Jason: Jesus!
Russell: I actually met him, he was a boring hippie who stank of petunia

Elder: Boyz II men, for or against?

Salami: Something's different with you Nora
Nora: I got ombre

Anyway, we have a feeling this season will end with Bill realizing he's fucking cray and will fall back in love with Sookie when he will have to save her once again, from Russell, Warlow, and her orthodontist she's been evidently avoiding.




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