True Blood Recap: Tara's Life Still Sucks

By The Betches

While we're extremely happy True Blood finally came back, we're (not so) shadily upset that Sookie hasn't died or at least gone to the dentist between seasons. But we're over it because I'd rather watch Sookie prance around the screen being upset about her butch friend's head getting blown off than listen to her complain that she can't decide if Eric is hotter than Bill.

So what happened last night? A lot of irritating shit. Namely Andy Bellefleur's naked body. But really, thank you Triz Blood, thank you for making my life long dream of seeing deep into Bellefleur's asshole come true. Speaking of unattractive nudes, we also got a hot glimpse of Sam Merlotte's shape shifter peen! The only thing missing from this trifecta of sexiness is Gran's old boobs. Much to our dismay, she's fucking dead.

true blood recapOn Sundays, we wear leather.

Oh so like, everyone is dead on this show. I was seriously wondering how many more people they can kill off before it becomes logical to change the name to The Other Side. Real Housewives of The Underworld. Tara: Life in Purgatory is a game, and I keep fucking losing.


Speaking of Tara, she seriously can't catch a break. She's been tortured by a vampire, her possessed boyfriend died, her mom's a psychopath, she forced herself to turn lesbian, she fucked Sam Merlotte, she got shot in the head, and now she's a vampire. Full circle. Honestly that flashback to their childhood was amazing, Sookie was a huge, ugly loser and Tara looked like a big ass black man.

Let's talk about Bill and Eric. Bill was just chilling while Eric was fucking the shit out of his sister. I am totally butt crazy in love with JOSH! The sex scene in the junk yard was hot until you realized it was vampire incest but then you realized you have your siblings and then you have your first siblings and then you have your second siblings...

While we're on the topic of good looking people, Jason's plot line was kind of ridiculous. Like yes we're happy the first time we see him this season is completely naked, and yes we're ecstatic that they really played off on his stupidity with the Reverend, but why must he be in love with Jessica? She's sooo annoying, with her stupid red riding hood outfit and her inability to NOT hover over everyone she speaks to. Also, who the fuck plays rock band at parties? Anyway, the Rev was unreal. LOVE ME! I'm a gay vampire American and I love you Jason Stackhouse. But it's no surprise that he bats for the other team, have you seen his collection of soft pink pastels? Now that Jason's turned him down, we have no doubt his next target will be Scott Disick.


Besides Jason, there are 2 other people we LOVE on this show. Lafayette and Pam. Lafayette is the ultimate Gay BFF, but unfortunately his gay wisdom and insight is wasted on being depressed all the time, and hanging out with Sookie. And we like feel really bad Jesus is dead, he was so Hispanic hot.


Pam on the other hand, is the the most perfect (dead) person on television. She hates Sooks, is Eric's 'child', and hates Walmart. We won't say anymore because she's been awarded the noble title of Betch of the Week this week.

Quotes of the night:

Pam: Turn her? I don't even like her. What's to say she doesn't rise out of the ground tomorrow completely fucktarded?

Eric: We fight like siblings but we fuck like champions.

Martha (Wolf Woman): The names Martha....Martha Stewart.

Pam: Fuck Sookie

At the end of the episode we got a nice set up of what's to come this season: Alcide is (and will remain) really hot, Terry is all like "We didn't start the fire", Eric Bill, and Nora found love in a hopeless place really intense game of laser tag, and Tara has gone fucking vamp nuts. Can't wait for next week!





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