True Blood Recap: Pam's Maker Has Got It Going On

By The Betches

So this episode starts off with what appears to be Tara rolling balls in the Bon Temps' magical forest. We quickly realize that instead she is just really fucking hungry. We know this because she masculinely proclaims to Sam..I'M HUNGRAY. I won't say lez-be-honest, but let's be honest, Tara, the only thing you're hungry for is a big vagina.

There's not much else to say about Butchy McButch except that her new fangs give her the cutest little lisp! When a betch declares her life is a huge joke, it's because she drunkenly sexted her brother's friend or ate street meat the night before. But when it comes to Tara, her life is actually one big fucking punchline.

true bloodI eat because I'm unhappy and I'm unhappy because I eat

So now that we've got our weekly anti Tara tirade out of the way, it's time to talk about what else happened last night. Let's start with Bill and Eric. These bropires have been chilling hard at the Authority, and despite the app-activated-vampire-bomb strapped to their respective chests, they both managed to fuck some slut on the council. Honest question, was it just us or did this woman not look like 3 different people when she had sex with Bill/ Eric/ Law and Order guy? I swear at one point I thought it was Idina Menzel with a nose job begging Bill to light her sex candle. Whatever, we're over it. But seriously, why is Jenelle from Teen Mom's baby on the council?

This makes us think, does True Blood put up a casting call on Craig's list that's like, Are you an actor out of a job because you were killed off of another show/your show was cancelled/your movie is pushing 10 years old? It must, because how else can Anna Draper, Barb from Cougar Town, and that freak from Napoleon Dynamite all end up in one episode? I mean they probably even use the same set, when I was supposed to be paying attention to Jason sticking his fingers in that old woman's vag, instead I was desperately looking for 'Dick and Anna '64' painted on the back wall.

That whole teacher sexually educating/assaulting a young school boy is soooo 50 Shades and not original at all. Like ok we get it, Jason totally has issues. But I mean, there's no way he's that upset about them. Jason, you left your teacher's place post coitally not because you have an empty hole in your chest, it's because your teacher's boobs are fucking gross. We're not sorry and it's true.

true blood"Is he really trying to kill me with a dildo?"

Pam was being so Pammy last night. Her ability to text at light speed is quite commendable, her insults remain concise and to the point  (FUCK TARA AND FUCK YOU) and she manages to have less compassion for T-Rex Tara than we do! Now that's a feat.

And how about those flashbacks, they were really wild. We can't believe she slit her wrists in order for Eric to turn her. That's like a twisted version of poking holes in condoms or taking placebos instead of birth control pills. Actually, it's more like an orphan kid tricking people into adopting him by fake crying or like threatening to kill himself..."please sir, can you eat me some more"?

Quotes of the night:

Pam, after her fight with Sookie at Fangtasia: Go back to dry humping each other and buying my over priced drinks or get the fuck out!

Pam, introducing one of her flexible asian prostitute: The chink, we call her Rubber Ruby

Slutty Authority vamp bitch: The human bible is little better than US Weekly

Girl who's strapping on the vamp killing device: Imagine it's a training bra
Eric: It's been a long time since I've worn one.

In other news, Jessica still resembles Clifford the Big Red Dog, Andy Bellefleur actually used the 'mark as spam' function on Facebook, and Hoyt paid a visit to Sephora. Alas, all is well in Bon Temps.




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