December 29, 2014
Most people (who have no fucking clue) think that you’re either single or you’re in a relationship. The former are expected to claim empowerment and independence while secretly crying into their pillow every night, fearing they’ll end up like their fat aunt Betsy: knitting sweaters for her cats and cooking casseroles. The latter are either a part of a functional relationship (1%) or trying to break up (or not get broken up with) with their BFs (99%).
Just like you can’t clearly categorize which alcohol is your favorite (if you can choose between vodka and tequila easily – you’re not a betch), you can’t create labels like single or in a relationship because half the single betches are delusional daters and claim to be single, but in reality if they aren’t pining after some bro then they literally cannot go on.
You can compare these “single” girls to people who say their gluten-free. They pretend to not eat bread so they can appear to be with the trend, but in reality you know they’re ordering the cheesy bread when they drunk order Domino’s for the fourth weekend in a row. Get a fucking grip – get Domino’s off your speed dial and stop pretending to be single and happy when every time you drink tequila you text that bro you swore you would stop hooking up with last semester.
If a betch really thinks people will believe the shit she says about her New Year’s resolution being happy on her own, she needs to stop using meaningless crushes as crutches in her attempt.
The true meaning of being a single betch who truly DGAF (not just says she doesn’t and then ends up drunk crying on the bathroom floor about how no one loves her and she will die alone) and can rage as hard as Miley Cyrus did after she ditched the Hannah Montana wig. Only difference is there is no meltdown and downward spiral because she knows she’s the shit and doesn’t need a boy to text to validate her.
If you find yourself going around saying how #blessed you are to be alone and have time to really fall in love with yourself first, you need to step back and reevaluate you pathetic excuse for happiness. First of all you don’t ever fucking say that in order to love someone else you need to love yourself first. That’s something girls who actually WILL die alone say. After you come to terms with this blatantly obvious fact, you kill it at work (without actually ever doing work), party at least three nights a week, and look absolutely hot doing all of the above. This is all done without talking about your relationship status because those who talk about being single are most definitely the worst type of singles.
All this shit is easier said than done though so if you find yourself back to your old ways (aka aggressively forcing your bestie to give you that bro’s number you deleted from your phone, but made her save in case of an emergency) on like January 2nd, don’t worry. 2016 is only 363 days away and you can always make another resolution then.