The Trump Administration Just Lifted The Ban On Trophies From Elephant Hunts Betches

Your Favorite Animal Is Going To Go Extinct Thanks To Trump

By Betch Waldorf

If there's one thing we all can agree are amazing, it's elephants. They make the cutest stickers/earrings/necklaces, and they're probably like, cool in real life too. Sadly, it is getting more and more likely that our accidental children will one day ask us, "Mom, wtf is that animal delicately tattooed on your wrist with a long nose? That shit looks crazy." To which we will reply, "It's an elephant. And don't curse so fucking much you little asshole." Why? Because the softcore Neo-Nazi squad Trump administration announced on Wednesday that the remains of elephants legally hunted in Zimbabwe and Zambia can come back into the US as trophies. Because that’s actually a super pressing issue in our country rn. So glad he acknowledged this detrimental issue! Like, fuck gun control and stabilizing the Obamacare markets, amiright? Bring in the body parts of innocent endangered animals!


Wonder what would have prompted him to take on this issue, apart from just generally hating anything done by Barack Obama. Oh...wait...

Image via Gothamist

What's that in Don Jr.'s tiny hand, you ask? Oh nothing. Just AN ELEPHANT'S TAIL. Why would anyone even *want* to hold an elephant's tail? That has to be bad luck or something, right? **Thinks about Don Jr.'s impending indictment on Russia related crimes** Yeah, it's def bad luck...

Several agencies argue that big game hunters, especially American ones, bring revenue to the countries they hunt in, as well as awareness for the endangered animal. Which is toootaly true - Nothing makes me more aware that an animal is endangered than seeing a bunch of old, rich, white pricks posing with their carcasses on dating apps.

Much like the Trans ban in armed forces, Trump has continued to do what he does best: avoid real problems and act like an asshole. It’s really inspiring.

Anyways, if you want to read more about this, which I suggest you do because I’m biased and don’t see a point in the slightest for killing a fucking elephant, you can check out The Washington Post for a full, not fake, news report.

God, it's like a deranged billionaire runs our government or something. Oh...wait....

Update: (11/20/2017): President Trump now appears to be going back on his decision to let people chop up elephants and bring them into the United States. He tweeted "Big-game trophy decision will be announced next week but will be very hard pressed to change my mind that this horror show in any way helps conservation of Elephants or any other animal." Wow. Finally, a president who is brave enough to say, "Maybe that photo of my son gleefully holding a chopped off elephants tail up for the camera was in poor taste." 

The administration is set to announce its decision on this issue Sunday, so get ready for him to spend the entire next week congratulating himself for deciding not to kill elephants as trophies. 

Heads up, you need to keep up with the news. It's not cute anymore. That's why we've created a 5x weekly newsletter called The 'Sup that will explain all the news of the week in a hilarious af way. Because if we weren't laughing, we'd be crying. Sign up for The 'Sup now!




hand_icon

LET IT OUT, HONEY

small_arrow

Powered by Spot.IM

Forgot Your Password?

Create new account

User login